.JPG)
I feel more balanced and more concrete when I spend time off-campus in the RealWorld. I like to sit in a church that has families of all ages, and old people with hearing aides. I like to see the mall filled with people with RealLives. I love summer when I get to be home. I spend my days working at FIRM, where I am surrounded by a full community of all-ages and we all have symbiotic roles to play. I spend evenings with friends or family. My life is full, and I have meaning.
At Whitworth, my life is full, but I drown myself in depression and cynicism. There is a magic balance where I can still get everything done well and also not have a moment to stop to think. That is the only way I have learned to do Whitworth well. When I am off balance, I have to go somewhere new. It can be a meadow by the river behind my house. It can be a museum. It can be the mall. It can be a new coffeeshop, or a conversation on the bus. When I get back in contact with RealLife, I remember how RealLife works, and my tiny but important role in it all.
. . .
I was told last night that its presumptuous to say that OutThere is RealLife, and here is only pseudo-reality. I am presupposing that the nice people swarming this campus don't have some essential quality of life. Who am I to judge?
I contend that we pay good money to be isolated from the harshness of RealLife. We are a group of 2,500 people in the prime of our lives. We rarely die. We eat 2-3 (and more) meals a day without having to think about where our food comes from. Of course there are those who choose to skip meals to lose weight or spend their time elsewhere. I've been there, too. Our main concerns (outside of social interests which transcend any monetary barrier) are homework and "earning" letter grades, or at best, learning material written and taught by our elders.
It doesn't matter to me what the inner life of my fellow students is like. It isn't necessary because they have the luxury to be able to meditate on vocation and worldview and life purposes. If they choose not to take themselves seriously, its their loss. (I do take time to have coffee and get to know people who take their position seriously. I love people like this; they just aren't my passion)
Our isolation is also our loss. We lose out on the love of older people in our community. Kids lose our continual presence in their lives. Although many Whitworth students volunteer with various organizations, its just another time-block in a busy student schedule. We lose out on grocery store conversations. We miss out on demonstrations on corners, and seeing into the eyes of our city's homeless. We don't see kids walking home from the bus stop. Our lives consist of us. and our friends. and our computers. This isn't Real to me.
. . .
Connecting theory to practice is a major tenet of service-learning. What good does our education do us, if we can't connect to a complete community (not just one made up of our like-minded peers)? Furthermore, does this separation through education make a permanent break between us and our communities?
I feel like it does for me. I feel like the more and more educated I become, the less and less I have in common with most people from my home. I have more in common with educated people. I have less to talk about with former friends. I know too much, that even our grand conversations about big dreams for Fresno are filled with my obscure(in Fresno) references to dead Europeans who have already thought about these things for many years.
What is knowledge if I can't use it in community?
Although Whitworth has a very tight community on campus, the tightness is not as easily accessed from the outside. The culture has strong expectations for behavior, morality and vocabulary (and accent and skin-tone, although religious fervor can triumph both). I don't see our connection to Spokane. I don't see my connection to this community here, and I am seeing how thinly stretched my connection to my home community has become as well.
. . .
When I leave here, I will enter the RealWorld again. I will keep figuring out how to do my finances better. I will have a job, and will relax after work doing whatever. I know that my lovely depression and trust issues will persist, but I feel so much better about them when I am in the presence of a varied society that spends its time on mundane RealLife things.
I really am idealistic after all.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
expectations for the next 103 days.
I'm having difficulties getting reacclimated to normal school sleeping/waking hours. I've been staying up too late, and sleeping in too late, and its hard to change those quickly.
This semester I am taking 3 English classes, 1 film class, 1 campus-based research class, and 2 polisci classes (international political economy and research methods).
I am going to Louisiana for Spring Break. I will pay for it somehow with Bonner. I need to be working 12+ hours a week for Bonner, and every day that I procrastinate on getting something set up means more hours later that I will need.
This semester I imagine that I will learn a lot about Voice and personal experience. Between Native American Literature and Women Writer's, I think that I will gain very different counter-hegemonic knowledge sets.
. . .
Quotes from my first days of classes
"I tell everyone this. Before you marry someone, first go on a roadtrip with them. Learn whether or not you can live with them before you make a final decision to get married" -Esther Louie who went motorcycling across Europe for 3 months with the man who became her husband.
"I learned how to live with intention. You have to wake up in the morning and decide what you are going to BE for" -Esther Louie
"What is it like to be the product of a culture that a more powerful and numerous people has attempted to extinguish?" -Vic Bobb
"I ask for your hometown, because I freak out if I don't know where you're from. how can I know anything about you ever if not where you come from?"
"I was not afraid. I lay in the quiet
and looked, and did the wordless thought.
my mind was getting its oxygen
direct, the rich mix by mouth.
I hated no one. I gazed and gazed,
and everything was interesting. I was
free, not yet in love. I did not
belong to anyone. I had drunk
no milk, yet - no one had
my heart. I was not very human. I did not
know there was anyone else. I lay
like a god, for an hour, then they came for me
and took me to my mother."
-Sharon Olds in 180 more extraordinary poems for every day by Billy Collins
...
observations:
Women Writers: overflowing with white women and a few men VS Native American Literature: empty seats scattered between multi-racial Americans of both genders
I talk too much in class
inter-sectionality in dominant/non-dominant identity groups
This semester I am taking 3 English classes, 1 film class, 1 campus-based research class, and 2 polisci classes (international political economy and research methods).
I am going to Louisiana for Spring Break. I will pay for it somehow with Bonner. I need to be working 12+ hours a week for Bonner, and every day that I procrastinate on getting something set up means more hours later that I will need.
This semester I imagine that I will learn a lot about Voice and personal experience. Between Native American Literature and Women Writer's, I think that I will gain very different counter-hegemonic knowledge sets.
. . .
Quotes from my first days of classes
"I tell everyone this. Before you marry someone, first go on a roadtrip with them. Learn whether or not you can live with them before you make a final decision to get married" -Esther Louie who went motorcycling across Europe for 3 months with the man who became her husband.
"I learned how to live with intention. You have to wake up in the morning and decide what you are going to BE for" -Esther Louie
"What is it like to be the product of a culture that a more powerful and numerous people has attempted to extinguish?" -Vic Bobb
"I ask for your hometown, because I freak out if I don't know where you're from. how can I know anything about you ever if not where you come from?"
"I was not afraid. I lay in the quiet
and looked, and did the wordless thought.
my mind was getting its oxygen
direct, the rich mix by mouth.
I hated no one. I gazed and gazed,
and everything was interesting. I was
free, not yet in love. I did not
belong to anyone. I had drunk
no milk, yet - no one had
my heart. I was not very human. I did not
know there was anyone else. I lay
like a god, for an hour, then they came for me
and took me to my mother."
-Sharon Olds in 180 more extraordinary poems for every day by Billy Collins
...
observations:
Women Writers: overflowing with white women and a few men VS Native American Literature: empty seats scattered between multi-racial Americans of both genders
I talk too much in class
inter-sectionality in dominant/non-dominant identity groups
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
christmas break
I drove so many miles over the past four weeks.
I felt a lot of things.
talked about everything under the sun
.
I didn't take my own pictures, and don't know which stories to share.
.
it was completely wonderful. and now I'm back at Whitworth. which is different. and maybe less wonderful. but so goes life.
.
highlights (in the order that I think of them):
1. Christmas with so many people whom I love (and I only cried once! thats a new Christmas record for me!) i felt so loved.
2. swimming in our swimming pool. it was so freaking cold, Iveth and I started screaming the second we hit the water, and immediately rushed to get out of the pool. Jouni, on the other hand, swims back and forth a bit before he gets out. oh, and the most hillarious part of that whole escapade was my brothers speedo from 2-3 years ago.... let's just say it didn't cover all that it used to...
3. endless fresh oranges off the tree.
4. Nate's newest way of eating corn flakes
5. moments of complete peace near the ocean
6. jumproping with seaweed at Carmel Beach
7. basking in the light of the full moon and listening to music while sipping red wine
8. New Years Eve. ha. cuddling and sharing stories, poppers at midnight, and then a stumbling laughing journey to look at the sea and the moon.
9. watching my friends find their own things to love about the Central Coast
10. the drive from sacramento to fresno, after staying awake to drive through the night, and not really talking a whole bunch for a while, all the sudden, lots just spilled out. it was so comforting to know that there were still so many more things to say and discuss.
11. disneyland with the boy. nuff said.
12. really good Himalayan cuisine restaurant
13. the whole time we spent in San Diego. Balboa Park then sunset at Coronado. best pizza ever from BJs.
14. mornings when we got back to Fresno
15. Golden Gate Park. and our hostel was pretty cool too.
16. The Beat Museum. the world is a beautiful place to be born into by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
17. perfecting our parallel parking teamwork and our ability to not pay for parking
18. our general ability to never be completely lost, and always have one of us remember the important things the other forgot
19. homemade bread and other delicious food at the Bergmans
20. Finnish sauna and Finnish church
I felt a lot of things.
talked about everything under the sun
.
I didn't take my own pictures, and don't know which stories to share.
.
it was completely wonderful. and now I'm back at Whitworth. which is different. and maybe less wonderful. but so goes life.
.
highlights (in the order that I think of them):
1. Christmas with so many people whom I love (and I only cried once! thats a new Christmas record for me!) i felt so loved.
2. swimming in our swimming pool. it was so freaking cold, Iveth and I started screaming the second we hit the water, and immediately rushed to get out of the pool. Jouni, on the other hand, swims back and forth a bit before he gets out. oh, and the most hillarious part of that whole escapade was my brothers speedo from 2-3 years ago.... let's just say it didn't cover all that it used to...
3. endless fresh oranges off the tree.
4. Nate's newest way of eating corn flakes
5. moments of complete peace near the ocean
6. jumproping with seaweed at Carmel Beach
7. basking in the light of the full moon and listening to music while sipping red wine
8. New Years Eve. ha. cuddling and sharing stories, poppers at midnight, and then a stumbling laughing journey to look at the sea and the moon.
9. watching my friends find their own things to love about the Central Coast
10. the drive from sacramento to fresno, after staying awake to drive through the night, and not really talking a whole bunch for a while, all the sudden, lots just spilled out. it was so comforting to know that there were still so many more things to say and discuss.
11. disneyland with the boy. nuff said.
12. really good Himalayan cuisine restaurant
13. the whole time we spent in San Diego. Balboa Park then sunset at Coronado. best pizza ever from BJs.
14. mornings when we got back to Fresno
15. Golden Gate Park. and our hostel was pretty cool too.
16. The Beat Museum. the world is a beautiful place to be born into by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
17. perfecting our parallel parking teamwork and our ability to not pay for parking
18. our general ability to never be completely lost, and always have one of us remember the important things the other forgot
19. homemade bread and other delicious food at the Bergmans
20. Finnish sauna and Finnish church
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Giving Thanks. ha.
When holidays come, I miss something that I don't even know. I love my family. my brother. my cousins. They're great. But somehow when I come home, I just want to be held and cuddled and hugged the whole time. And when that doesn't happen, I get melancholy quickly.
Maybe I am insecure. I thought I didn't care, but i need acceptance and love and to be important and heard. just like everybody else, i suppose. :)
Aunt Laurel is so proud of Hannah being at Yale. She doesn't care if Whitworth does the exact same thing as Yale (ie having elective/specialized style courses count for GE, in this particular case).
I may really dislike my school for a variety of reasons, but I reserve the right to be the only one to criticize it. I actually really like my school a lot. its just the other people there.
Derek points out when I'm being bitchy. I can be pretty bitchy sometimes. I'm mostly okay with it. I'm mostly done caring about anyone and anything. Is that sad?
I need Soul Care next semester.
cuz i need you jesus to come to my rescue. no one else will do. and i will grab hold of you.
My back hurts a lot. My neck hurts and I drove a lot today. my eyes are dry, i think because i put this eyeliner on.
I want a boy to call, but he's off in washington-land, and has only been gone all of 12 hours from campus, hasn't even thought to miss me, nor should he, he's experiencing American Thanksgiving, a whole new adventure.
Why do I feel so isolated?
I felt more included in the Seattle U conversations than anything else I heard tonight at Hannah's Reunification with High School Friends Game Party. Social Justice, small school, Christian-inclined. Washington State. There's a connection there. But I feel intentionally repelled by Ivy League talk, and have no good frat or sorority stories. I do drink, but I feel like I don't wanna put added pressures on my younger cousins who don't (even though all their friends do), how considerate and nice of me.
Fuck it all. I do good stuff to be Nice now. I worship the same Idol as everybody else at my school, my indoctrination is complete. Its not that Nice is bad. I just prefer Love. Ideally, I could Love people well. fully. authentically. love God. worship. serve. authentically, wholly, honestly.
but instead I'm a cranky bitchy hunchback who gets depressed when she has time to sit back and reflect. oh dear.
Maybe I am insecure. I thought I didn't care, but i need acceptance and love and to be important and heard. just like everybody else, i suppose. :)
Aunt Laurel is so proud of Hannah being at Yale. She doesn't care if Whitworth does the exact same thing as Yale (ie having elective/specialized style courses count for GE, in this particular case).
I may really dislike my school for a variety of reasons, but I reserve the right to be the only one to criticize it. I actually really like my school a lot. its just the other people there.
Derek points out when I'm being bitchy. I can be pretty bitchy sometimes. I'm mostly okay with it. I'm mostly done caring about anyone and anything. Is that sad?
I need Soul Care next semester.
cuz i need you jesus to come to my rescue. no one else will do. and i will grab hold of you.
My back hurts a lot. My neck hurts and I drove a lot today. my eyes are dry, i think because i put this eyeliner on.
I want a boy to call, but he's off in washington-land, and has only been gone all of 12 hours from campus, hasn't even thought to miss me, nor should he, he's experiencing American Thanksgiving, a whole new adventure.
Why do I feel so isolated?
I felt more included in the Seattle U conversations than anything else I heard tonight at Hannah's Reunification with High School Friends Game Party. Social Justice, small school, Christian-inclined. Washington State. There's a connection there. But I feel intentionally repelled by Ivy League talk, and have no good frat or sorority stories. I do drink, but I feel like I don't wanna put added pressures on my younger cousins who don't (even though all their friends do), how considerate and nice of me.
Fuck it all. I do good stuff to be Nice now. I worship the same Idol as everybody else at my school, my indoctrination is complete. Its not that Nice is bad. I just prefer Love. Ideally, I could Love people well. fully. authentically. love God. worship. serve. authentically, wholly, honestly.
but instead I'm a cranky bitchy hunchback who gets depressed when she has time to sit back and reflect. oh dear.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Being Honest
I crave being held. I crave being cherished.
However, that isn't what my identity is.
. . .
I've recently become close friends with a boy who challenges me.
My response is to try to mold him into someone who he is not. I have been trying to conform him to my previously constructed ways of relating (to men). It doesn't work so well. And just because I can make something happen, doesn't mean that it is good for me for it to happen.
. . .
So I'm back to determining who I am and where I'm going.
I found a cool place that I'd like to live next year. Romero House in Canada. I'd live alongside refugee families awaiting decision on their status. I'd receive a monthly stipend. I'd do homework club with kids, do immigration case work, and live in the world's most multicultural city.
. . .
Thats the Christine Barker I remember. That is who I want to be.
I recently stepped in without thinking when a guy was choking a woman on the street in Seattle. I said, Hey, Hey, what are you doing? He took her around the corner, and I followed them, and said Hey you, you need to stop, what are you doing?
He shouted obscenities at me and a boy for a good half-block. I'm really glad he didn't attack us. She got away.
I step in. I do what I think I should without stopping to think.
I care about people. I empathize probably too much.
A boy and I cried at a war memorial with the names of everyone from Seattle carved between quotes. I don't know why he cried, but I cried for the homeless man rocking back and forth as he drank out of a brown paper bag in front of the Vietnam portion. He splashed some names with his drink, and sat there and rocked for as long as we stood there.
. . .
Its not that this boy and I don't connect. Its just that I want a boy to be a boyfriend-role in my life (even for six or seven months only). A boy from another culture doesn't fit that role for too many reasons to elaborate. So now, I need to be honest with myself and remember who I am. And keep being Myself. Christine Michelle.
I care. not so much what people think, but I do care what they feel. I don't like it when I'm a bitch, even though I'm so much more inclined to do it since coming back to Whitworth from Stellenbosch. I am interested in what people think. I like being challenged in classes. I love a Jesus-guy, and I claim redemption and Love in the small and big things.
I recently survived Swine Flu that turned into Bronchitis and I WILL graduate this May. I believe in small children. I believe in learning and infectious Joy. I think that there is much to learn through living in solidarity with those I want to spend my life serving. I love to read. and to Be in silence around other people. I am an extrovert too. I love coffeetalks and meeting new people in authentic ways.
I drink alcohol. a fair amount. I love drinking with my roommates, and clubbing with friends. I don't like dirty dancing all up in anyone's grill. I like that song Down. I think I'm getting distracted.
I stand up and Lead when I think it needs to be done.
I question whether I'll ever get married. or have children. or do any of those real normal life things. I don't have anything against those institutions. I want them, I think, but I just don't really see it happening.
. . .
I'll do good things in my life.
I'll live intentionally near Maddie for some part of it.
I'll have a huge library no matter how poor I get.
I'll Love Fresno with my life. just as soon as I go a few other places first? maybe? please jesus?
I'll be a teacher somewhere along the way.
I'll love people always.
However, that isn't what my identity is.
. . .
I've recently become close friends with a boy who challenges me.
My response is to try to mold him into someone who he is not. I have been trying to conform him to my previously constructed ways of relating (to men). It doesn't work so well. And just because I can make something happen, doesn't mean that it is good for me for it to happen.
. . .
So I'm back to determining who I am and where I'm going.
I found a cool place that I'd like to live next year. Romero House in Canada. I'd live alongside refugee families awaiting decision on their status. I'd receive a monthly stipend. I'd do homework club with kids, do immigration case work, and live in the world's most multicultural city.
. . .
Thats the Christine Barker I remember. That is who I want to be.
I recently stepped in without thinking when a guy was choking a woman on the street in Seattle. I said, Hey, Hey, what are you doing? He took her around the corner, and I followed them, and said Hey you, you need to stop, what are you doing?
He shouted obscenities at me and a boy for a good half-block. I'm really glad he didn't attack us. She got away.
I step in. I do what I think I should without stopping to think.
I care about people. I empathize probably too much.
A boy and I cried at a war memorial with the names of everyone from Seattle carved between quotes. I don't know why he cried, but I cried for the homeless man rocking back and forth as he drank out of a brown paper bag in front of the Vietnam portion. He splashed some names with his drink, and sat there and rocked for as long as we stood there.
. . .
Its not that this boy and I don't connect. Its just that I want a boy to be a boyfriend-role in my life (even for six or seven months only). A boy from another culture doesn't fit that role for too many reasons to elaborate. So now, I need to be honest with myself and remember who I am. And keep being Myself. Christine Michelle.
I care. not so much what people think, but I do care what they feel. I don't like it when I'm a bitch, even though I'm so much more inclined to do it since coming back to Whitworth from Stellenbosch. I am interested in what people think. I like being challenged in classes. I love a Jesus-guy, and I claim redemption and Love in the small and big things.
I recently survived Swine Flu that turned into Bronchitis and I WILL graduate this May. I believe in small children. I believe in learning and infectious Joy. I think that there is much to learn through living in solidarity with those I want to spend my life serving. I love to read. and to Be in silence around other people. I am an extrovert too. I love coffeetalks and meeting new people in authentic ways.
I drink alcohol. a fair amount. I love drinking with my roommates, and clubbing with friends. I don't like dirty dancing all up in anyone's grill. I like that song Down. I think I'm getting distracted.
I stand up and Lead when I think it needs to be done.
I question whether I'll ever get married. or have children. or do any of those real normal life things. I don't have anything against those institutions. I want them, I think, but I just don't really see it happening.
. . .
I'll do good things in my life.
I'll live intentionally near Maddie for some part of it.
I'll have a huge library no matter how poor I get.
I'll Love Fresno with my life. just as soon as I go a few other places first? maybe? please jesus?
I'll be a teacher somewhere along the way.
I'll love people always.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Who Am I Again?
What am I doing here at Whitworth University?
What am I doing in life?
This is bad timing for a freak-out seeing as I need to submit sample applications to all my top priority life-options in class tomorrow.
meh.
bleh.
shit foo.
unrelated: why are no boys ever interested in me?
What am I doing in life?
This is bad timing for a freak-out seeing as I need to submit sample applications to all my top priority life-options in class tomorrow.
meh.
bleh.
shit foo.
unrelated: why are no boys ever interested in me?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
in imitation of ee cummings
And this is the anniversary of all my scars; this is the day
Of pain and of bitterness and wounds and of the grave
Great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
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