love

my friend kelly, who is turning into a dear friend kelly, doesn't believe in love any more. not that i really blame her. sometimes i wonder why i don't either.
but deep down, i think everyone has to believe that somehow somewhere, love exists. and its so so so much more than sticky fingers and hot kisses. and that when poets eloquently rhapsody and romantic comedies soar at the box office, even those fall short of "the real thing".
The best place i know to read love is song of songs. (yes, it is about sex. yes, sex is a part of love. no, empty sex does not come remotely close)

"Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing- it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown love, torrents of rain can't put it out. Love can't be bought, love can't be sold - its not to be found in the marketplace"

i don't think she believes me, i don't think i believe me, when i say that i know this with such certainty because i have felt it. I loved Stuart. He loved me. I don't think i'm saying this just out of desperation and depression. I've analyzed the evidence left behind, and it all rings true. I'm convinced that what we said and what we did in the moment (the moment that lasted over a year once we both trusted each other) was True. And we were young. and naive. and it would have been miraculous for us to have lasted 4 years apart, but at the same time, a small voice wonders how much harder it could have gotten, not much, i don't think.

i just remember this feeling. this feeling of being Home. of feeling completed. of being accepted and cherished just for my existence. I remember one night laying in his lap on the couch watching tv, and never wanting to be anywhere else ever again. knowing that the pain of not having him around was something i never wanted to feel.

granted, things changed slowly. and there are always more "what ifs". and i wonder if my telling him not to come to WSU was telling him i didn't believe in us. somewhere along the way we got comfortable and forgot how lucky we were. didn't realize most couples aren't contemplating marriage in the first six months of dating. didn't realize a lot of things.

i know that things are over. and i know that theres more to life than romanticized recollections of things that need to stay behind. most importantly, i know that he's in college now and needs to live his own life as unrelated to me as possible. (and i him)

what is love?
"love is not enough" - kate (via logan)
"love is the appreciation and acceptance and laughter at someones foibles/faults/flaws" (or something like that) - margie
This is a creature on fire with love, but its still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing, instead of the whole world.
is it a fancy, or a feeling?..... or a Ferrars?

plus. just think how much better the real love of my life will be if stuart wasn't it. damn. thats gonna be HOT! lol. (and sweet and caring and emotionally present and a protector and a fighter)