I came home tonight. Came home to Fresno. To my mommy and brother. We ate In and Out and my brothers been talking nonstop. he misses me poor boy. and me? i love him. i do.
I read Annie's blog. She is so beautiful and graceful. I am so not.
this isn't going to turn into self-pity though. I'm trying to be through with that.
When I read Annie's blog, it makes me want to be all grown up. I want to be married and blissful and just so jesusy, for no other purpose than jesus himself. I feel like I miss that boat a lot.
I feel like I am missing some key Peace in my life. That I'm going and going and sometimes doing well and sometimes not. (either way not really caring, but at the same time not being too deeply identified by too much else either.) I don't know where I fit at Whitworth, yet again.
I had a conversation with Josh last night, about why I came to Whitworth. I think the legitimate Me actually shone through for once.
This whole year i've been yearning to be known. (andi said in chapel the 4 great desires/fears of humanity is to be known/celebrated/served/loved and to know/celebrate/serve/love) and i want to be celebrated too. maybe all my frustrations that are starting to come out again are purely selfish in nature. I feel like I don't really have any Real relationships with people at Whitworth. and I guess I have this expectation that Christians of all people should be ok with being real at any and all times. my friends at home are Real, aren't they? (maybe Realness and christianity aren't mutually inclusinve... dundun dun) maybe i'm idealizing them, and maybe i'm just pushing people away by my intentionality this year. maybe there just needs to be more trust built.
maybe i need to just suck it up and deal with it.
.
i want to write about Jesus like Annie does. i feel like all I ever write well about is myself, and i don't know how i feel about that. i don't think its necessarily healthy.