I think it would be okay if I went home. Today in church, Steve talked about our primary identity as the church as being servants, and what that meant. The self-sacrificial love that should be 24/7 and not just for "community service opportunities".
I started thinking about the dichotomy between the idea that "I am called to serve Here" and serving the people around you.
At Whitworth, if my identity (rooted in being God's beloved) is that of a servant, I would stay here for forever, trying to serve those around me. I would love Kaitie slavishly, and I don't know that anything would change about her. But I would pour and pour and pour, and maybe even commit spiritual suicide like i did last semester. I would not be in my "sweet spot", the place where my passions/desires/gifts meet the needs of the world. I would continue to be out of place and disjointed.
I could do that. And I would find fulfillment through the International Students who come and visit our house, through the refugees that I would work with twice a week, the kids I worked with on Sundays. And if I did that, I don't think I would be trying to gain status, or be trying to prove myself to the world. I wouldn't be trying to prove myself to God. I feel almost driven by something, but I don't think its selfishness. I think its Jesus.
In the words of Shusako Endo, "I cannot leave the church, Jesus has me in his grasp".
And I am not perfect. I am not pure, except for the purity of Christ which he claims to cover me. I am so bitter and I am broken and I am overcompensating by being strong, but my strength is beautiful too, I think. I think I am right much more often than I actually am. I get frustrated by people who I judge. But at my core, I am Christ's. I have Christ in me.
I could stay here. I could manage to get through this semester, piecing together what I need to stay sane and emotionally stable. I could do all those aforemention fulfilling things. I could get the credit, go to South Africa, but then what? Am I going to learn better to appreciate what is here? Or will I continue to feel a call outward? Will I continue to be discontent?
I don't know that I was ever a college girl. The whole fun, lighthearted, careless existence while learning all these things that will eventually be useful is a neat concept. And I like doing that sometimes. And I like doing that with people that I trust (and appreciate me, I'll be honest). But I want more. you know?
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So I could go home.
And I could start going to State. Or maybe FPU, but I dunno that I want to jump from one small Christian school to another. And I could still apply to go to South Africa. And I could study in Port Elizabeth or Durban, instead of Stellenbosch. And I could volunteer with GAYG girls. And maybe help with AcaDec at Roosevelt. And I'd go to Kyle's graduation. And I might get a job, move out. Or stay home, do the dishes. I dunno what friends I'd make. I'd get around on the bus and my bike. If I went home, I'd have to find a way to be moving forward, and not just slide back into high school. And I'd need to stay on track to graduate.
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impediments to leaving:

1. money already paid for semester.
2. would feel bad leaving the class I'm TAing.
3. wouldn't want to leave Iveth.
4. have made new friends from all over. I like them.
5. housing contract?

If I make it through the semester, then it will be time for Stellenbosch, then it will be time for travel, then I could stay there, but then I would eventually have to come back here. I don't know that I'll want to do that any more then than I do now. What is the likelihood of my motivation being so strong that I will be able to push through and get it all done?
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lots of questions.
searching. praying. contemplating for answers.
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I am God's Beloved.
No one else gets to define my identity but Him.