I'm in a disconnect right now that I used to name and see in others and despise.
I love who God is. I love listening to people praise him. I love reading Isaiah. Psalms. the Gospels. Over and over again I page through them. And I take comfort that that is who God proclaims Herself to be. (Iveth has started doing that in our Bible Studies. I think its interesting how much that throws me off, so I'm doing it more, as an exploration of a pattern, to figure out what I think)
And yet. The whole personal relationship thing? The whole Spirit thing? it feels so far away.
So far.
And so I wonder what I do believe. and I wonder what the point is in appreciation.
One side of that is "inactive faith". But another way of saying it is "resting in who God says He is". Is that self-imposed distance? Or is that what faith is supposed to look like?

I dunno.
I cry out. I cry to him. And there are many beautiful people in my life who pull me forward and are pulled by He who has called them. And He has called me too. Its just been so long since I've heard his voice. So long since I've felt Him around me. This summer I saw Him move. I saw Her in my GAYG girls. I see the beauty in Her children. I see Her grace in others.

and of course my question is: what do I do?
and I'm pretty sure that actions aren't supposed to dictate it. But they sort of are?
"its about Be-ing, not Do-ing"
so is it out of control?
or doing things that make you more open to Be-ing.
or doing things that help you not focus on do-ing the right things or always do-ing more.

i want to walk in those rhythms of grace that he promises. the ones where the burden is light

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

The Message (MSG)

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Life is heavy for me now.
And it snowed this morning at Whitworth
And I still want to be anywhere but here.
And something happened last night with Paulo but I'm not even sure what he was saying under what he was saying. so we'll see. dunno. dunno. healthy? depends. good that its not serious from the start. good to start small light. could be good for both to work on be-ing okay without ______. you know? or could be disasterous like josh.
but i don't even know what happened really. i'm really out of it these days..... no good.