wholeheartedness

I pulled this quote from a book a few Saturdays ago, and have been weighing it ever since.

The antidote to exhaustion may not be rest. It may be wholeheartedness.

Its completely counter-intuitive, and its the last thing I want someone to tell me on a low-day.  But... somehow its true (when authentically enacted). I never realize it beforehand, but sometimes I stand up and realize I feel better. The solution is wholeheartedness.

This week has been long and tedious. I've been working on installing internet, which although innocent sounding, is actually a Herculean task wherein beyond every solution lies two more problems. AND, people who have never had internet before now, have realized they will have internet as soon as I solve all the problems. So they come and bug me. Every day. Multiple times a day. (and interns were included in that, until I asked them to stop). Yesterday, I restored internet to two apartments, only to take it away from the family with the most computers. I could shoot something.
I may be perfectly competent to call customer service for hours on end, and I may be perfectly computer literate. I may have ALL the necessary skills. BUT IT DRAINS MY SOUL AWAY TO CARE SO MUCH ABOUT INSTALLING INTERNET FOR WEEKS ON END.

so, its Friday. This morning, I worked on internet. This afternoon I went to an appointment in Brampton with a family. I was gone for 5 hours. I came home and cooked fajitas for dinner. I was so tired.

I came up through the back driveway to my house. I was thinking about mowing our front lawn, but before I could get to it, I saw the little girl from the basement playing in the dirt. I called her to me, and showed her how she could pull out the little oak seedlings as she played. We made little tree bouquets together and then raced to put them in the green bin. After a while, she asked me "Christine, are you ever going to cut down that long grass up there?" and I said, "Yeah. I am. Let's do it right now."
So I went and grabbed some pruning shears to attack these plants that looked like they were going to be beautiful flowers, but ended up being flailing grassy leaves that are taking over our garden. I started chopping. The girl started helping me pull out the stocks.
Soon one of the ladies from the first floor came out. "What are you doing?? Is it garden club today? I was going to take a shower, but I saw you and I came out to see what is happening"
"No, its not garden club not exactly. But you can help us if you want!"
So the lady came down and started tugging out plants too.
A little while later the small girl's mom came out too.
Soon, a lady from another house came by, because her family had been playing in the parkette. I didn't see her at first, I just heard "Christine!!! Why you is no invite me for garden club!?!?!"
I responded "Well. It was an accident. There will be a real garden club soon, but this is just an accident. it started with just me and the girl, and then it just kept getting bigger...."
"Okay. Who cares. I help you."
So then we were four grown women, pulling out crazy strong plants. We got some pitchfork action going, got the roots out of some of them (more work to come, though). We planned a party for our house, thought up what seeds to use, talked about last year, talked about plants that grow in everyone's home countries. And as it got dark, we headed inside, and washed up.

And my heart feels so much better now.

Communicating where I am...

Excerpt from The Two Gretels by Robin Morgan

The two Gretels were exploring the forest.
Hansel was home,
sending up flares.

Sometimes one Gretel got afraid.
She said to the other Gretel,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Gretel replied.

Sometimes the other Gretel whispered,
with a shiver,
"You think we should turn back?"
To which her sister Gretel answered,
"We can't. We forgot the breadcrumbs."

So, they went forward
because
they simply couldn't imagine the way back.

http://andreaandluke.blogspot.com/2009/07/two-gretels-communion-liturgy-andrea.html

My roommate Katie shared this poem in her morning prayer on Thursday. The above link is from her country supervisor from last year, when she was living in Mexico as a YAGM volunteer. One of the things she offered in her reflection was the need to communicate clearly with your friends and family "Hansels" back at home.
We don't go home the same. And the only way home is forward. Even when people at home are sending up flares, or memories from ages past come haunt you, the only way forward is to imagine the new way. So communicate where you are now, and where it is you think you might possibly be going from here.

I am moving home to Fresno, but as an adult. The only way is forward. I'm not going to be the same that I was before I left, just like I wasn't the same when I came back from Whitworth, or home from South Africa. Its an ugly transition, you know, learning to live as your new self in an old familiar place.

And even though I dream of Fresno, of boys past, of fresh fruit, warmth and sunshine, I am older, I am stronger, I am freer. I have walked this far, and I will keep walking all my life. It is good to walk in the rain, in the sun, even in the snow sometimes. I don't know that my memory works well enough to serve as breadcrumbs, which is just as well.

 * * * * *
And where am I now?

My feelings in this forest are so varied, depending on the day. This week I have been so tired, so frustrated at a family, our administrator, the freaking patriarchy in this organization, and the effing Bell internet. This week I have been really happy, and really proud of myself, I mowed the lawn of my house, I installed internet in another, I did a creative morning reflection, I danced at our fundraiser, and I saw an incredible production of Midsummer Night's Dream. I've been connected with home, with news of an interview offer, EdD acceptence, wedding-scheduling talks. I've been planning a mini vacation to NYC too. I've spent good quality time with some residents of my house, I've fed a baby, I've welcomed another baby into the world. I've connected an illiterate woman with a skilled tutor. I've introduced ELL kids to Shakespeare, and they laughed at all the right parts.
I've thought about justice. about my life. about this world. about the oscillating relevancy of politics. about Canadian politics. about Pho and Thai tea. I tasted my first slurpee of the summer. and drank a dirty chai in the rain.

whoops. do you see how easy it is to slip from feelings to actions? let's try again.
This week, I've felt lonely. I've felt loved.
I've felt admired and condemned in a red dress.
I've felt pride and anger.
I even woke up in the morning asking why in the world I have gotten out of bed every other morning that I could remember. (eventually I convinced my half-asleep self that the reason one gets out of bed is to see what it is in the day that makes it worth it... and one won't ever know unless one gets out of bed to see)
I've felt drained and then filled.
I've felt far from home, and blessed to be here.
I've felt frustrated at others, and at myself.
I've felt thankful, and I've felt loved.

Its hard to say what it is I see in you.

The sun has finally come out in Toronto for THREE days in a row! AND they even happened on a weekend. I do better in sunshine. I love feeling tan, or at least a little bit darker.

My ankle is healing so much faster than I thought it would, but it still looks like a grandma with diabetes foot by the end of the day.

Here's a list of things that I find hard to do:

1. write honestly when I know people are actually reading what I say. That being said, I think its important that I don't post things I wouldn't want someone to read (which has happened, and exploded terribly all over the end of one summer, even though I still stand by what I said).
2. talk about feelings (especially ambiguous ones)
3. buy good gifts for my mom
4. get out of the house on a Sunday
5. e-mail friends of friends (even if the connection is already made)
6. get to church on a Sunday (especially alone)
7. talk through negative things, but stay optimistic about the big picture
8. engage with residents who are my companions on the weekend
9. take time for myself, and then return at full force
10. commit fully to the present here, when I know I'm leaving in a few months. 

but when the sun is shining, it so much easier to trust that it will all work out in the end. So much easier to realize I have so much more than enough here.

Today I spent mostly waiting for a doctor in various waiting rooms, because a thirteen year old companion of mine broke their foot playing soccer on Friday. Separately, I also had physiotherapy for my own ankle at the hospital we ended up in the emergency room of later. I got back from the hospital at 7pm (where at the end of the day, they had done nothing for this kid, except give us a 7am appointment the next morning in the Fracture Clinic). Then I ate a bit of dinner, and sat in the rooftop garden with two interns. We talked a bit, which is always therapeutic, but mostly we just WERE. Sitting with our faces towards the setting sun, together, and then my soul is replenished.

After they left, I weeded the garden a bit, and did some physio excercises on the trampoline up there. 

I am thankful to be here. It is good to be here. Even when I am exhausted and frustrated and really hungry in a waiting room. Even when residents are complete and total bitches to our faces or behind our backs. Even when nothing happens the way it was said in the morning meeting. 

It is good to live with people. It is not good to be alone.

It is good to hear a happy girl clapping and singing early in the morning. and to hear loud shouts of GOOOOOAAALLLL!!!

It is good to bike from house to house, and to connect people who need help with those who can provide it. Its even better to facilitate the beginning of friendships.

It is good to walk in your neighborhood, or local park, to nap in the grass, and to hear a young girl say to her mother "but mommy.... where are you going? its so BEAUtiful here...."

It is good to finally get exercise, to have your heart pump before your ankle throbs.

It is good to be single. To be free and open and perfectly complete. To have no worries of babies or pregnancy. 

It is good to be surrounded by interns. and then surrounded by adoptive aunties, mothers, sisters, friends. To trust and be trusted with each others lives, stories, children. 

(i who have died am alive again today,and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birthday of life and of love and wings: and of the gaygreat happening illimitably earth)
-ee cummings

"Go ahead and live your life.You might be surprised. The world might continue."-Gwendolyn Brooks

Blog of Lists

5 Beautiful Things I will take with me from the Catholic influence here

1. RETREATS! retreats are the best, and help everything. I've taken one personal retreat and two intern retreats. essential practice for the rest of my life.
2. greater appreciation for the Psalms, and their incredibly poetry. It amazes me a little bit how we can read the same Psalms every month and every so often a line or a few words will pop out at me in a totally new way
3. the Canticle of Zechariah (blessed are you God of Israel for you have visited and redeemed your people. and have raised up a horn of salvation in the house of your servant). what its all about. in a nutshell. 
4. ...appreciation of Jesuits... whoops. 
5. Mary Jo's steadiness of presence. Her whole-life commitment to Being With people.

4 Things I learned that I do

1. even with a good attitude, and awareness that others depend on my attention to detail, I still really don't like dishes
2. i'm not good at branching out and meeting total strangers in a new city. i think that I'd like to have multiple friend circles, but I don't actually make the effort to attend awkward things like book clubs or yoga classes at the library...
3. communicate well with people with limited to no english. (if they let it happen)... before I thought it was a skill that everyone who worked with refugees had... not so, i have discovered
4. i am utterly dependent on the internet for my sense of stability and place in the world. I stay up too late on the internet and then don't function in the mornings.... regularly.

5 bookmarks I depend on:

1. facebook
2. New America Media 
3. my google reader
4. Al Jazeera English
5. God's Politics blog

other places I want to try to be in the world:

1. Thailand/Laos*
2. Slovakia/Eastern Europe*
3. North Africa
4. East Africa
5. Amsterdam/anywhere in the Netherlands/Geneva/Brussels**
6. Turkey
7. Kerala
8. Forced Migration Studies department at Wits in South Africa. Also Cape Town**

 (**and/or attempt living in)

1 place that I daydream about regularly:

1. Fresno