Communicating where I am...

Excerpt from The Two Gretels by Robin Morgan

The two Gretels were exploring the forest.
Hansel was home,
sending up flares.

Sometimes one Gretel got afraid.
She said to the other Gretel,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Gretel replied.

Sometimes the other Gretel whispered,
with a shiver,
"You think we should turn back?"
To which her sister Gretel answered,
"We can't. We forgot the breadcrumbs."

So, they went forward
because
they simply couldn't imagine the way back.

http://andreaandluke.blogspot.com/2009/07/two-gretels-communion-liturgy-andrea.html

My roommate Katie shared this poem in her morning prayer on Thursday. The above link is from her country supervisor from last year, when she was living in Mexico as a YAGM volunteer. One of the things she offered in her reflection was the need to communicate clearly with your friends and family "Hansels" back at home.
We don't go home the same. And the only way home is forward. Even when people at home are sending up flares, or memories from ages past come haunt you, the only way forward is to imagine the new way. So communicate where you are now, and where it is you think you might possibly be going from here.

I am moving home to Fresno, but as an adult. The only way is forward. I'm not going to be the same that I was before I left, just like I wasn't the same when I came back from Whitworth, or home from South Africa. Its an ugly transition, you know, learning to live as your new self in an old familiar place.

And even though I dream of Fresno, of boys past, of fresh fruit, warmth and sunshine, I am older, I am stronger, I am freer. I have walked this far, and I will keep walking all my life. It is good to walk in the rain, in the sun, even in the snow sometimes. I don't know that my memory works well enough to serve as breadcrumbs, which is just as well.

 * * * * *
And where am I now?

My feelings in this forest are so varied, depending on the day. This week I have been so tired, so frustrated at a family, our administrator, the freaking patriarchy in this organization, and the effing Bell internet. This week I have been really happy, and really proud of myself, I mowed the lawn of my house, I installed internet in another, I did a creative morning reflection, I danced at our fundraiser, and I saw an incredible production of Midsummer Night's Dream. I've been connected with home, with news of an interview offer, EdD acceptence, wedding-scheduling talks. I've been planning a mini vacation to NYC too. I've spent good quality time with some residents of my house, I've fed a baby, I've welcomed another baby into the world. I've connected an illiterate woman with a skilled tutor. I've introduced ELL kids to Shakespeare, and they laughed at all the right parts.
I've thought about justice. about my life. about this world. about the oscillating relevancy of politics. about Canadian politics. about Pho and Thai tea. I tasted my first slurpee of the summer. and drank a dirty chai in the rain.

whoops. do you see how easy it is to slip from feelings to actions? let's try again.
This week, I've felt lonely. I've felt loved.
I've felt admired and condemned in a red dress.
I've felt pride and anger.
I even woke up in the morning asking why in the world I have gotten out of bed every other morning that I could remember. (eventually I convinced my half-asleep self that the reason one gets out of bed is to see what it is in the day that makes it worth it... and one won't ever know unless one gets out of bed to see)
I've felt drained and then filled.
I've felt far from home, and blessed to be here.
I've felt frustrated at others, and at myself.
I've felt thankful, and I've felt loved.