oh i love the message. like really. isaiah 26:1-6

At that time, this song will be sung in the country of Judah:
We have a strong city, Salvation City,
built and fortified with salvation.
Throw wide the gates
so good and true people can enter.
People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.
Those who lived high and mighty
he knocked off their high horse.
He used the city built on the hill
as fill for the marshes.
All the exploited and outcast peoples
build their lives on the reclaimed land.

love

my friend kelly, who is turning into a dear friend kelly, doesn't believe in love any more. not that i really blame her. sometimes i wonder why i don't either.
but deep down, i think everyone has to believe that somehow somewhere, love exists. and its so so so much more than sticky fingers and hot kisses. and that when poets eloquently rhapsody and romantic comedies soar at the box office, even those fall short of "the real thing".
The best place i know to read love is song of songs. (yes, it is about sex. yes, sex is a part of love. no, empty sex does not come remotely close)

"Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing- it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown love, torrents of rain can't put it out. Love can't be bought, love can't be sold - its not to be found in the marketplace"

i don't think she believes me, i don't think i believe me, when i say that i know this with such certainty because i have felt it. I loved Stuart. He loved me. I don't think i'm saying this just out of desperation and depression. I've analyzed the evidence left behind, and it all rings true. I'm convinced that what we said and what we did in the moment (the moment that lasted over a year once we both trusted each other) was True. And we were young. and naive. and it would have been miraculous for us to have lasted 4 years apart, but at the same time, a small voice wonders how much harder it could have gotten, not much, i don't think.

i just remember this feeling. this feeling of being Home. of feeling completed. of being accepted and cherished just for my existence. I remember one night laying in his lap on the couch watching tv, and never wanting to be anywhere else ever again. knowing that the pain of not having him around was something i never wanted to feel.

granted, things changed slowly. and there are always more "what ifs". and i wonder if my telling him not to come to WSU was telling him i didn't believe in us. somewhere along the way we got comfortable and forgot how lucky we were. didn't realize most couples aren't contemplating marriage in the first six months of dating. didn't realize a lot of things.

i know that things are over. and i know that theres more to life than romanticized recollections of things that need to stay behind. most importantly, i know that he's in college now and needs to live his own life as unrelated to me as possible. (and i him)

what is love?
"love is not enough" - kate (via logan)
"love is the appreciation and acceptance and laughter at someones foibles/faults/flaws" (or something like that) - margie
This is a creature on fire with love, but its still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing, instead of the whole world.
is it a fancy, or a feeling?..... or a Ferrars?

plus. just think how much better the real love of my life will be if stuart wasn't it. damn. thats gonna be HOT! lol. (and sweet and caring and emotionally present and a protector and a fighter)

qualifications for future Someone (lol)

1. stubborn (-er than me)
2. trustworthy
3. loyal
4. honorable
5. passionate
6. be able to keep my heart safe(r)
7. be able and willing to do whatever it takes
8. not leave
9. know that theres so much more to life (ie knows Jesus and acts on it)
10. not be a smartass
11. be willing and able to talk to anyone (charmer?)
12. trusts me
13. romance me
14. deal with me
15. speak in metaphors with me
16. take me on adventures
17. seek the Lord
18. either help me let go of Logan completely or get closer to Logan than I am or otherwise take control of that situation (in a respectful and honoring way) or approve completely
19. talk with me
20. balance me out
21. be willing and able to both problem solve and create with me (not like making art with Stuart, our styles need to not clash...)
22. not get in intelligence battles with anyone, least of all me. (don't need him to be smarter/stupider than me, just needs to not need to compete in that area. such a freaking turnoff, gah, ew)
23. pass a kissel or similar stature person test
24. know primary first aid
25. keep me safe
26. love me for Me!
27. love Jesus in me
28. show me Jesus in him for me to love and learn from
29. be able to teach me
30. knowledge thirsty
31. peacenik definite plus
32. the more languages the better
33. heart for the poor
34. want diversity (in opinion, lifestyle, thought patterns, culture)
35. be able to cook!
36. sailer definite plus
--. pilot scares me
37. defender of femininity/womankind
38. functional family definite plus
39. desire for functional family
40. will make out with me at the teenage hangout when we're in our forties just for the laughs
41. will hold my hand no matter how old we are
42. will make out with me no matter our ages (warning: neeny has sex drive... but really needs emotional support for it to be worth anything)
43. will play make-believe (and banter, and use innuendo occasionally, and be able to take something and run with it)
44. will take me serious
45. will inspire me
46. enjoys spicy food!
47. enjoys new experience
48. is ok with not knowing what happens next
49. is ok with not having control
50. sees Beauty
51. loves my family for who they are
52. is someone who can create a family wherever they (we) are
53. reads
54. either makes money or is really really ok with not having any
55. passes a combination of lindsey/iveth/gillian test
56. wants more than 2 kids.
57. is a father figure/mentor without always realizing it
58. leads!
59. can make a home a home
60. innovative (makes something out of nothing)

i don't have much of anything altogether.
i feel like i overcompensate for that sometimes with a stronger voice than i think i deserve.
in theory, i want the Truth. i want to Love.
in reality i want to not be lied to and i want to be loved
i feel like i should want Jesus more than Truth and Love, seeing as he embodies those (in theory).
he fills my heart
and it doesn't hurt
i'm irresponsible and messy
and my phone is probably dying, at this point in time. no matter when you're reading this.
my tummy is growling
but food doesn't sound that great right now
its almost midnight
thank you for this year daddy; and the rest of the years coming. thank you for those too.
i love you daddy.