I feel like there are two ways my life could go forward from here.
One is very international
The other is very local
Its not a new struggle, or a profound realization. It feels like the simple truth.
I am qualified to work abroad. I am interested in living in new places, discovering new beautiful things to love. (sidenote: watch the History Boys. sidenote: in Howard's End, the higher class of people who have discovered the word "I", instead of just "want that car" "need that house" "want your money" contrast with the masculinity of "I" according to Virginia Woolf. sorry. that's the English-literature side of me coming out)
I could even feel called to work abroad. I like international people a lot (the sorts of people who have seen the world beyond their ordinary sphere). I have the resume. I have "cross-cultural competancies". I have the degree. I would love to study more, and use my brain, and get more degrees.
I'm moving to fricken Canada next year. I loved being in the Netherlands. It would be so cool to work in an international organization like the characters in the stories I wrote this year for Laurie. I dream about that kind of a life.
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and I love Fresno. this little corner of the world where nothing would be guarenteed for me. When I was looking for jobs at Whitworth, before I graduated, I couldn't find anything. At All. Now that I'm here, I hear rumors of this, get e-mails about that, see grants into which I could write myself a job. And they wouldn't be very much money. And there is nothing permanent, really. nothing glamorous or glorious. But so so Good.
and the summer sunsets color the whole sky pink. What more could there be to life?
these Hmong babies steal my heart in the first second I walk onto FIRM campus.
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here I would be one more person who didn't live up to her potential. and I dunno if I'd go to more school. and I dunno who I would end up with. I can see myself as one of those obese nonprofit ladies who almost nag, and spend all their days working, to go home to an empty house.
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Beware the False Dichotomies (and avoid the all or nothings).
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I dunno exactly what shade of gray my life will turn out being colored.