Giving Thanks. ha.

When holidays come, I miss something that I don't even know. I love my family. my brother. my cousins. They're great. But somehow when I come home, I just want to be held and cuddled and hugged the whole time. And when that doesn't happen, I get melancholy quickly.
Maybe I am insecure. I thought I didn't care, but i need acceptance and love and to be important and heard. just like everybody else, i suppose. :)
Aunt Laurel is so proud of Hannah being at Yale. She doesn't care if Whitworth does the exact same thing as Yale (ie having elective/specialized style courses count for GE, in this particular case).
I may really dislike my school for a variety of reasons, but I reserve the right to be the only one to criticize it. I actually really like my school a lot. its just the other people there.
Derek points out when I'm being bitchy. I can be pretty bitchy sometimes. I'm mostly okay with it. I'm mostly done caring about anyone and anything. Is that sad?
I need Soul Care next semester.
cuz i need you jesus to come to my rescue. no one else will do. and i will grab hold of you.
My back hurts a lot. My neck hurts and I drove a lot today. my eyes are dry, i think because i put this eyeliner on.
I want a boy to call, but he's off in washington-land, and has only been gone all of 12 hours from campus, hasn't even thought to miss me, nor should he, he's experiencing American Thanksgiving, a whole new adventure.
Why do I feel so isolated?
I felt more included in the Seattle U conversations than anything else I heard tonight at Hannah's Reunification with High School Friends Game Party. Social Justice, small school, Christian-inclined. Washington State. There's a connection there. But I feel intentionally repelled by Ivy League talk, and have no good frat or sorority stories. I do drink, but I feel like I don't wanna put added pressures on my younger cousins who don't (even though all their friends do), how considerate and nice of me.

Fuck it all. I do good stuff to be Nice now. I worship the same Idol as everybody else at my school, my indoctrination is complete. Its not that Nice is bad. I just prefer Love. Ideally, I could Love people well. fully. authentically. love God. worship. serve. authentically, wholly, honestly.

but instead I'm a cranky bitchy hunchback who gets depressed when she has time to sit back and reflect. oh dear.

Being Honest

I crave being held. I crave being cherished.
However, that isn't what my identity is.
. . .
I've recently become close friends with a boy who challenges me.
My response is to try to mold him into someone who he is not. I have been trying to conform him to my previously constructed ways of relating (to men). It doesn't work so well. And just because I can make something happen, doesn't mean that it is good for me for it to happen.
. . .
So I'm back to determining who I am and where I'm going.
I found a cool place that I'd like to live next year. Romero House in Canada. I'd live alongside refugee families awaiting decision on their status. I'd receive a monthly stipend. I'd do homework club with kids, do immigration case work, and live in the world's most multicultural city.
. . .
Thats the Christine Barker I remember. That is who I want to be.
I recently stepped in without thinking when a guy was choking a woman on the street in Seattle. I said, Hey, Hey, what are you doing? He took her around the corner, and I followed them, and said Hey you, you need to stop, what are you doing?
He shouted obscenities at me and a boy for a good half-block. I'm really glad he didn't attack us. She got away.
I step in. I do what I think I should without stopping to think.
I care about people. I empathize probably too much.
A boy and I cried at a war memorial with the names of everyone from Seattle carved between quotes. I don't know why he cried, but I cried for the homeless man rocking back and forth as he drank out of a brown paper bag in front of the Vietnam portion. He splashed some names with his drink, and sat there and rocked for as long as we stood there.
. . .
Its not that this boy and I don't connect. Its just that I want a boy to be a boyfriend-role in my life (even for six or seven months only). A boy from another culture doesn't fit that role for too many reasons to elaborate. So now, I need to be honest with myself and remember who I am. And keep being Myself. Christine Michelle.
I care. not so much what people think, but I do care what they feel. I don't like it when I'm a bitch, even though I'm so much more inclined to do it since coming back to Whitworth from Stellenbosch. I am interested in what people think. I like being challenged in classes. I love a Jesus-guy, and I claim redemption and Love in the small and big things.
I recently survived Swine Flu that turned into Bronchitis and I WILL graduate this May. I believe in small children. I believe in learning and infectious Joy. I think that there is much to learn through living in solidarity with those I want to spend my life serving. I love to read. and to Be in silence around other people. I am an extrovert too. I love coffeetalks and meeting new people in authentic ways.
I drink alcohol. a fair amount. I love drinking with my roommates, and clubbing with friends. I don't like dirty dancing all up in anyone's grill. I like that song Down. I think I'm getting distracted.
I stand up and Lead when I think it needs to be done.
I question whether I'll ever get married. or have children. or do any of those real normal life things. I don't have anything against those institutions. I want them, I think, but I just don't really see it happening.
. . .
I'll do good things in my life.
I'll live intentionally near Maddie for some part of it.
I'll have a huge library no matter how poor I get.
I'll Love Fresno with my life. just as soon as I go a few other places first? maybe? please jesus?
I'll be a teacher somewhere along the way.
I'll love people always.