I got all night to finish those two papers....

So I get myself in trouble when I compare the present to my recollection of my past.
Thus, I'm going to say:
I'm worried because:
I don't feel very passionate
I don't feel accomplished enough to do much of anything important in the world
I think about boys too much
I feel like I've been judgmental a lot recently.
I don't act that intelligent that often.

and i'm really not okay with any of those. although. its not really the end of the world to think about boys.
So the question is: Have I finally acclimated to Whitworth's climate? What makes this year so especially different from last year? Do I care about who likes me (ie wants to be my friend) or doesn't? why would it matter? how do i stay emotionally present in the here and now?
where is Jesus in all of this? how do I remember the answer to that in the midst of all this me?

Communal Musings

I've been thinking a lot this year about community, and what it would look like to be the ideal community within the context of Christ.
some things that i think are required:

1. love of everyone, especially those that are not necessarily in the community. The love your neighbor as yourself is not an invitation towards gated communities (whether metaphorical or real)
2. acceptance of everyone. everyone is invited into the community, no one excluded.
3. in the community, you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself, your heart should be safe, but more than that (in Andi's words) known, served, loved and celebrated.
1. you should be free to know, love, serve and celebrate the other hearts in your community as well.
   
4. the community is the kingdom of God.
5. Therefore, it is what we are called to live our lives towards.
6. I don't think there should be any form of hierarchy in community, and the implications of this are where I'm running into confusion.

If I am actively attempting to love, then who do I share my secrets with? Where is the line between sharing where i am right now and gossip? How many people do I tell my current woes to? How do I balance being Real and being a force of joy when I feel less than joyful? How do I serve and lead without either of those vocations becoming masks I can put on at will? How do I humbly lead people in the direction that I think we should be going (ie, towards a more loving community)? How does this work when I am feeling inadequate or excluded from another group?
In Young Life, we talked about Jesus' method of discipleship: preaching/healing of the masses, teaching and spending years with the twelve, and having as close companions/explaining the nitty gritty with just 3. The level of investment increases with the decrease in group size.
But how does this translate to my life now?
How do we live together as lovers of Christ (and some not), without the hierarchy of in-groups? How do we avoid the temptation to catagorize on _____-enough terms. How do we avoid judging in order to make ourselves feel better? How do we love untaintedly? How do we live with people who think they are better than us? or inwardly convinced they'll never be as good as us no matter how hard they try?
How do I, as a beloved daughter of Christ, live humbly in such a way that he is apparent and my community is blessed through me? (blessing of abraham, we're talking about it in shalom)
.
We talked about the parable of the yeast amongst the bread in class today briefly. And how the entire loaf rises from a tiny bit of yeast. The flour doesn't really have any choice in the matter. And I think its interesting to contemplate oneself as yeast, but equally possible that one is just flour being risen by a piece of yeast a thousand particles away. There would be no way of really knowing. I'm not quite done with my contemplation of this parable, but it caught my fancy.
.
These are my thoughts for now.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

God you are good.
you are good to me.
for you are good
for you are good
for you are good to me.

Lord.

fluid somedays tend to crash(andburn)
In You, my somedays will be safe.
never tamed, e'er burning Light
steadily hope replenished
much more writing on the wall
than what the moon in his eyes reflected
abba. abide. abound.
no self-righteous words/sound/tone/thoughts
from me, please.
Mozambique. Iveth. Arabic. .children.
Afrikaans. Katherine. hope. love. forever trees (Bonsai)
daddy. any days, dates, dreams. :you
ne'erdowell logic apparently rejoins
pathos and muse warily photo-op agreed
above all else, hosanna
the king has come
i have been claimed.

I came home tonight. Came home to Fresno. To my mommy and brother. We ate In and Out and my brothers been talking nonstop. he misses me poor boy. and me? i love him. i do.
I read Annie's blog. She is so beautiful and graceful. I am so not.
this isn't going to turn into self-pity though. I'm trying to be through with that.
When I read Annie's blog, it makes me want to be all grown up. I want to be married and blissful and just so jesusy, for no other purpose than jesus himself. I feel like I miss that boat a lot.
I feel like I am missing some key Peace in my life. That I'm going and going and sometimes doing well and sometimes not. (either way not really caring, but at the same time not being too deeply identified by too much else either.) I don't know where I fit at Whitworth, yet again.
I had a conversation with Josh last night, about why I came to Whitworth. I think the legitimate Me actually shone through for once.
This whole year i've been yearning to be known. (andi said in chapel the 4 great desires/fears of humanity is to be known/celebrated/served/loved and to know/celebrate/serve/love) and i want to be celebrated too. maybe all my frustrations that are starting to come out again are purely selfish in nature. I feel like I don't really have any Real relationships with people at Whitworth. and I guess I have this expectation that Christians of all people should be ok with being real at any and all times. my friends at home are Real, aren't they? (maybe Realness and christianity aren't mutually inclusinve... dundun dun) maybe i'm idealizing them, and maybe i'm just pushing people away by my intentionality this year. maybe there just needs to be more trust built.
maybe i need to just suck it up and deal with it.
.
i want to write about Jesus like Annie does. i feel like all I ever write well about is myself, and i don't know how i feel about that. i don't think its necessarily healthy.

oh sojourners, yay for you

The great mystery of God's love is that we are not asked to live as if we are not hurting, as if we are not broken. In fact, we are invited to recognize our brokenness as a brokenness in which we can come in touch with the unique way that God loves us. The great invitation is to live your brokenness under the blessing. I cannot take people's brokenness away and people cannot take my brokenness away. But how do you live in your brokenness? Do you live your brokenness under the blessing or under the curse? The great call of Jesus is to put your brokenness under the blessing.

- Henri J.M. Nouwen