confessions of a snob

I'm a snob in so many ridiculous ways. and sometimes I catch myself thinking certain stuff, and astounded at how highly i think of myself while looking down on whoever/whatever I'm thinking about at the time. When did I become a snob? Have I always been?
things i'm embarassingly snobby about:

1. california
2. fresno
3. diversity (i'm getting racist. its really ridiculous. I've adapted to Whitworth culture in a lot of ways, and its been a while since I've been in Fresno/around Roosevelt, and so its like I'm losing my right to say something, but keep opening my big mouth anyways. only to groan about it immediately afterwards in my head)
4. fruit. (this i'm not especially worried about. freaking. tired. of bananas and apples.)
5. Mexican food. (this is just going to cause me grief for the rest of my life, so i need to suck it up and deal. and only go to Azteca during dinner hours, not lunch or midafternoon)
6. Theatre. (also getting myself in trouble for critiquing a program I'm not involved with. and therefore I don't know who is involved. and insult people accidentally to their faces. its really retarded of me.) Its like I'm so technical, i just get in that mode in a theatre, and i've lost somehow the ability to appreciate it as Art (with a capital A, yes).

And really, what I want. is to be an independent me. and be Me. but not in a way thats degrading that the people around me. And I want to be relational, and I want to love people, partly cuz I know its good for me, but partly cuz I really do care. And it really doesn't hurt to be Real (very often), but I don't know that I've even been that lately either. Well, i was this weekend, but that was offcampus so it doesn't count. cuz my community is here, on campus. and thats where I need to be. (need to be Real, Alive, Truth-full, Me).
wellp, heres to further refining (through relationships) and humility. (maybe.) ;)

Thoughts after the emergent conference.

number one thought: i want to go to solomon's porch
number two thought: i want to be someone who dreams up this stuff. i want to be a part of a conversation. i don't want to simply live in someone else's application.
number three thought: this isn't about "church" in the meetings or in the time. its about life. or should be. this whole ideology could be easily ignored or picked apart (and i think that the speakers/writers/thinkers at the head of "the movement" realize that) or argued for days upon end, but what it comes down to (at least as i see it) is:
people, getting together, trying to figure out how to live like God wants them to, trying to live the kingdom, following Jesus, all that jazz, together in small communities (at first), and this is what they've come up with. and now that they've been living/learning it for a while now, trying to correct false impressions, and share where they're at.

i wanna live it. you know?
i don't want it to be theology out of a textbook (yes, i understand bible is a book of text about theology. yes. i do believe the bible. no, i haven't worked out the paradox of my desires yet. yes, i probably will soon)
i wanna live in this community of people.
oh wait, I do.
I live on campus, with three amazing beautiful girls who I get to love on, giggle with, eat with, do chores for, serve, and even occasionally be frustrated with. this is what Jesus is talking about I'm pretty sure. Or at least, what I need to be doing right now in the moment.

for all my talk dissing friendship at whitworth, (see xanga for full apology/annulment), my newest thought process is COMMUNITY. I know, not especially profound, but still, I think, closer to the answer.

Something that Tony mentioned a lot, is the idea of messiness. and grittiness. and not having all the answers, but going for it anyways. life is gross. and messy, and people generally suck. but somehow Jesus calls us back to our true humanity (what we were created to be) and gives us a little help when he says that when two or more are gathered together he comes too. just to help us along in the right direction. He is the way to Life.

And its really easy to get into arguements, but a little harder to discuss. Thats something that i've been missing as of late. conversations where we don't have all the answers. where we probe and prod each others thoughts. and play devils advocate, not for the sake of being right, but for the hope that it would lead to greater truth. or come closer to the Truth. how do I lead conversations to that place without it being me stating my opinion and people either agreeing or disagreeing, but not calling me out? Do I just start calling other people out? (this generally turns into argument quickly). i want to delve.
i don't have all the answers. the only problem with this...humility...? is that i really don't think you do either. and i'm also convinced in my mind, that since at least i've come to terms with my ignorance, I must know more than you. (kind of a socratic complex when i word it that way)
and if you think you don't know, you just don't say anything, and then we're still standing on square one, only now i feel dumb and full of myself for stating my thoughts so completely that they're now standing for truth.

once again, completely distracted before this blog ended.