..somehow i had forgotten...

...how much Martin Luther King talked about God/Jesus/the Church right alongside those often quoted statements of Justice/Love/Nonviolence.

This is the actual context of one of my favorite quotes of his... I enlarged the part of the quote I remembered hearing... (Its from a sermon "Transformed Nonconformist" included in the book Strength to Love)

We need to recapture the gospel glow of the early Christians who were nonconformist in the truest sense of the word and refused to shape their witness according to the mundane patterns of the world. Willingly they sacrificed fame, fortune, and life itself in behalf of a cause they knew to be right. Quantitatively small, they were qualitatively giants. Their powerful gospel put an end to such barbaric evils as infanticide and bloody gladiatorial contests...
Gradually, however, the church became so entrenched in wealth and prestige that it began to dilute the strong demands of the gospel and to conform to the ways of the world. And ever since, the church has been a weak and ineffectual trumpet making uncertain sounds. If the church of Jesus Christ is to regain once more its power, message and authentic ring, it must conform only to the demands of the gospel. The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace, and brotherhood.

Its a slightly different message... full of a wider Truth, but also much stricter.

And in honor of the great man slain, here's another quote (full of hope)

“When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

But let us remember that Christ became a person of his people, of his time;
he lived as a Jew; he labored as a worker in Nazareth;
and ever since, he is made flesh in all people.
If many have moved away from the church, it is precisely because the church has been a little alienated from humanity.
But a church that would feel as its own all that is human,
and would wish to incarnate within itself
the sorrow, hope and anguish
of all who suffer and rejoice
that church would be Christ
loved and awaited,
Christ present
And that depends on us.

Archbishop Oscar Romero
3 December 1978

lives in community, this she knows.
for the clean oven tells us so.
lots of fish fat fell below,
and then got burnt while dinner she cooked.
YES, she made a big mess.
yes, oven cleaner smells bad.
yes, she lives in community:
the clean oven tells us so.

...

I'm trying to get words out, so that I can move forward in my life here. Its been weirder than expected being back. Maybe it was all the reminders of how beautiful life can be in Fresno, or maybe its just nice traveling somewhere new. Maybe its the new plans that started to fill my head after that Fresno-Walmart sadness. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be able to work/live here. i love the people. I love the style of job and way of being here. But, I've started plotting my great move west, and all the sudden, I actually have to live here with real human beings, who are a lot less exciting than how I was remembering them.

and this is love, yes? the inane everything that we claim has some hidden beauty. the celebrations over snow forts and ghosts in my unoccupied room. Huddling under blankets watching a movie. being asked about my mom and my brother only because I exist and have them. writing silly lyrics to a song and hiding them under the microwave. two year olds that remember our faces and where we sit in the office while we were gone. another family accepted as convention refugees. staying up late chatting with a sleeping low-grade fevered child and worried parents. someone else doing the dishes when i cook. (doing someone elses dishes when they cook).

the alternate reality of a kingdom come.

(today i referenced a phone call I thought I had received 2-3 days prior. it turns out it had happened only yesterday...)

And suddenly, I am back in Toronto.

At first overjoyed, I spent a long time rearranging my room, hoping it would feel again like home. Like the next episode of my big adult adventure of: Living Life Anywhere I Want. Neeny Do It Self.

And I am remembering the not so exciting things. The people that annoy me. The ungracious parts of my personality. (we can only learn love through community, especially from the parts where we fail at love)

I am in love with some ideal of Fresno, and now I am here. I am good at my job here. People like me here. I have some incredible friendships here.

Here the trees grow thick, retire with dignity.

Winter floods us with precious water, and we dance outside

barefoot, without freezing.

The sun streams through the window and I am warm under covers,

dreaming of an ideal that slips through my bloodstream on its own accord

if i focus in, the vision escapes my grasp. and blurs.

i want to write a poem about the dirt that grew us.

The people of the valley, passionate and stubborn,

the activists who taught us, the films on walk-outs and choices.

the teachers who raised us, educated us to speak kindly. speak out.

our parents who sent us Elsewhere to get A Good Education.

how now do i live?

THE PLAN:

Step 1: refuse to feel guilty for any and all actions committed in Fresno this Christmas Break (even if Whitworth-era conversations trigger other responses).

step 1.5: be gracious towards Whitworth and choose to see the positive sides to why i froze my ass off for four years when I could have been having crazy mindless fun on a beach while still pursuing my activist, passionate future self. (step 1.9, examine that false dichotomy a little more closely to see its inconsistencies. also, don't project someone elses life into your own reality)

Step 2: actually share MY PLAN without distracting myself on a rant

Step 3: Return to Romero House, to complete a full year of beautiful community. continue learning about the system there, and how to live as a holistic calm strong woman-being.

Step 4: Return home (maybe after weasling an invite to Camp Romero, it looks way too fun to miss).

Step 5: Get a part time job coordinating an afterschool program, hopefully with some of the FIRM kids. Otherwise, substitute teach, and stay connected to refugee communities in the Valley. part-time jobs only!!!!

Step 6: Investigate grad schools with all sorts of dedication (just like Bean). Look for programs like UCLA's polisci program Race, Ethnicity and Politics. Anything that looks at identity, migration, and is open to community-based research. Visiting said schools. Asking lots of questions. Finding so many options for myself.

Step 7: Live and love in this state. Pay attention to the local issues, state issues. Network.

Step 8: Apply to at least seven interesting programs. Sit around and wait for their responses in a place that has real fruit and beautiful green winters (despite the rain)

Step 9: Make an informed decision about my own future. Don't limit myself to what I think is feasible or realistic. Take all the damn tests. Pay all the damn application fees. Jump through the stupid hoops.

Step 9: go to some school!

...

in the meantime. live a blessed life that sees the alternative ultimate reality. see the abundance of goodness and grace.