When leaving a comment on blogger, it asks you to choose an identity. If only life really was that simple.

Today, I'm going to be dashing, vivacious, chatty and deeply interested in finding the real You

Today, I'm going to be withdrawn and contemplative. I'm going to spend several hours wandering the back 40 and come back refreshed and enlightened.

Today I'm just going to be lovely and graceful in all that I do.

Today I'm going to be intelligent and engaging in all my classes

Today i'm going to be someone that is asked out to lunch which turns out to be so mutually enjoyable that it becomes a weekly occurrence even if its never anything more

Today I'm going to invest in people without going dry or being fake.

Today I'm going to shine with this enduring neverending love

Today I'm going to love my roommates well. all day.

Today I'm going to be steeped in the knowledge that I'm my daddy's beloved daughter


if only...

confessions of a snob

I'm a snob in so many ridiculous ways. and sometimes I catch myself thinking certain stuff, and astounded at how highly i think of myself while looking down on whoever/whatever I'm thinking about at the time. When did I become a snob? Have I always been?
things i'm embarassingly snobby about:

1. california
2. fresno
3. diversity (i'm getting racist. its really ridiculous. I've adapted to Whitworth culture in a lot of ways, and its been a while since I've been in Fresno/around Roosevelt, and so its like I'm losing my right to say something, but keep opening my big mouth anyways. only to groan about it immediately afterwards in my head)
4. fruit. (this i'm not especially worried about. freaking. tired. of bananas and apples.)
5. Mexican food. (this is just going to cause me grief for the rest of my life, so i need to suck it up and deal. and only go to Azteca during dinner hours, not lunch or midafternoon)
6. Theatre. (also getting myself in trouble for critiquing a program I'm not involved with. and therefore I don't know who is involved. and insult people accidentally to their faces. its really retarded of me.) Its like I'm so technical, i just get in that mode in a theatre, and i've lost somehow the ability to appreciate it as Art (with a capital A, yes).

And really, what I want. is to be an independent me. and be Me. but not in a way thats degrading that the people around me. And I want to be relational, and I want to love people, partly cuz I know its good for me, but partly cuz I really do care. And it really doesn't hurt to be Real (very often), but I don't know that I've even been that lately either. Well, i was this weekend, but that was offcampus so it doesn't count. cuz my community is here, on campus. and thats where I need to be. (need to be Real, Alive, Truth-full, Me).
wellp, heres to further refining (through relationships) and humility. (maybe.) ;)

Thoughts after the emergent conference.

number one thought: i want to go to solomon's porch
number two thought: i want to be someone who dreams up this stuff. i want to be a part of a conversation. i don't want to simply live in someone else's application.
number three thought: this isn't about "church" in the meetings or in the time. its about life. or should be. this whole ideology could be easily ignored or picked apart (and i think that the speakers/writers/thinkers at the head of "the movement" realize that) or argued for days upon end, but what it comes down to (at least as i see it) is:
people, getting together, trying to figure out how to live like God wants them to, trying to live the kingdom, following Jesus, all that jazz, together in small communities (at first), and this is what they've come up with. and now that they've been living/learning it for a while now, trying to correct false impressions, and share where they're at.

i wanna live it. you know?
i don't want it to be theology out of a textbook (yes, i understand bible is a book of text about theology. yes. i do believe the bible. no, i haven't worked out the paradox of my desires yet. yes, i probably will soon)
i wanna live in this community of people.
oh wait, I do.
I live on campus, with three amazing beautiful girls who I get to love on, giggle with, eat with, do chores for, serve, and even occasionally be frustrated with. this is what Jesus is talking about I'm pretty sure. Or at least, what I need to be doing right now in the moment.

for all my talk dissing friendship at whitworth, (see xanga for full apology/annulment), my newest thought process is COMMUNITY. I know, not especially profound, but still, I think, closer to the answer.

Something that Tony mentioned a lot, is the idea of messiness. and grittiness. and not having all the answers, but going for it anyways. life is gross. and messy, and people generally suck. but somehow Jesus calls us back to our true humanity (what we were created to be) and gives us a little help when he says that when two or more are gathered together he comes too. just to help us along in the right direction. He is the way to Life.

And its really easy to get into arguements, but a little harder to discuss. Thats something that i've been missing as of late. conversations where we don't have all the answers. where we probe and prod each others thoughts. and play devils advocate, not for the sake of being right, but for the hope that it would lead to greater truth. or come closer to the Truth. how do I lead conversations to that place without it being me stating my opinion and people either agreeing or disagreeing, but not calling me out? Do I just start calling other people out? (this generally turns into argument quickly). i want to delve.
i don't have all the answers. the only problem with this...humility...? is that i really don't think you do either. and i'm also convinced in my mind, that since at least i've come to terms with my ignorance, I must know more than you. (kind of a socratic complex when i word it that way)
and if you think you don't know, you just don't say anything, and then we're still standing on square one, only now i feel dumb and full of myself for stating my thoughts so completely that they're now standing for truth.

once again, completely distracted before this blog ended.

I got all night to finish those two papers....

So I get myself in trouble when I compare the present to my recollection of my past.
Thus, I'm going to say:
I'm worried because:
I don't feel very passionate
I don't feel accomplished enough to do much of anything important in the world
I think about boys too much
I feel like I've been judgmental a lot recently.
I don't act that intelligent that often.

and i'm really not okay with any of those. although. its not really the end of the world to think about boys.
So the question is: Have I finally acclimated to Whitworth's climate? What makes this year so especially different from last year? Do I care about who likes me (ie wants to be my friend) or doesn't? why would it matter? how do i stay emotionally present in the here and now?
where is Jesus in all of this? how do I remember the answer to that in the midst of all this me?

Communal Musings

I've been thinking a lot this year about community, and what it would look like to be the ideal community within the context of Christ.
some things that i think are required:

1. love of everyone, especially those that are not necessarily in the community. The love your neighbor as yourself is not an invitation towards gated communities (whether metaphorical or real)
2. acceptance of everyone. everyone is invited into the community, no one excluded.
3. in the community, you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself, your heart should be safe, but more than that (in Andi's words) known, served, loved and celebrated.
1. you should be free to know, love, serve and celebrate the other hearts in your community as well.
   
4. the community is the kingdom of God.
5. Therefore, it is what we are called to live our lives towards.
6. I don't think there should be any form of hierarchy in community, and the implications of this are where I'm running into confusion.

If I am actively attempting to love, then who do I share my secrets with? Where is the line between sharing where i am right now and gossip? How many people do I tell my current woes to? How do I balance being Real and being a force of joy when I feel less than joyful? How do I serve and lead without either of those vocations becoming masks I can put on at will? How do I humbly lead people in the direction that I think we should be going (ie, towards a more loving community)? How does this work when I am feeling inadequate or excluded from another group?
In Young Life, we talked about Jesus' method of discipleship: preaching/healing of the masses, teaching and spending years with the twelve, and having as close companions/explaining the nitty gritty with just 3. The level of investment increases with the decrease in group size.
But how does this translate to my life now?
How do we live together as lovers of Christ (and some not), without the hierarchy of in-groups? How do we avoid the temptation to catagorize on _____-enough terms. How do we avoid judging in order to make ourselves feel better? How do we love untaintedly? How do we live with people who think they are better than us? or inwardly convinced they'll never be as good as us no matter how hard they try?
How do I, as a beloved daughter of Christ, live humbly in such a way that he is apparent and my community is blessed through me? (blessing of abraham, we're talking about it in shalom)
.
We talked about the parable of the yeast amongst the bread in class today briefly. And how the entire loaf rises from a tiny bit of yeast. The flour doesn't really have any choice in the matter. And I think its interesting to contemplate oneself as yeast, but equally possible that one is just flour being risen by a piece of yeast a thousand particles away. There would be no way of really knowing. I'm not quite done with my contemplation of this parable, but it caught my fancy.
.
These are my thoughts for now.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

God you are good.
you are good to me.
for you are good
for you are good
for you are good to me.

Lord.

fluid somedays tend to crash(andburn)
In You, my somedays will be safe.
never tamed, e'er burning Light
steadily hope replenished
much more writing on the wall
than what the moon in his eyes reflected
abba. abide. abound.
no self-righteous words/sound/tone/thoughts
from me, please.
Mozambique. Iveth. Arabic. .children.
Afrikaans. Katherine. hope. love. forever trees (Bonsai)
daddy. any days, dates, dreams. :you
ne'erdowell logic apparently rejoins
pathos and muse warily photo-op agreed
above all else, hosanna
the king has come
i have been claimed.

I came home tonight. Came home to Fresno. To my mommy and brother. We ate In and Out and my brothers been talking nonstop. he misses me poor boy. and me? i love him. i do.
I read Annie's blog. She is so beautiful and graceful. I am so not.
this isn't going to turn into self-pity though. I'm trying to be through with that.
When I read Annie's blog, it makes me want to be all grown up. I want to be married and blissful and just so jesusy, for no other purpose than jesus himself. I feel like I miss that boat a lot.
I feel like I am missing some key Peace in my life. That I'm going and going and sometimes doing well and sometimes not. (either way not really caring, but at the same time not being too deeply identified by too much else either.) I don't know where I fit at Whitworth, yet again.
I had a conversation with Josh last night, about why I came to Whitworth. I think the legitimate Me actually shone through for once.
This whole year i've been yearning to be known. (andi said in chapel the 4 great desires/fears of humanity is to be known/celebrated/served/loved and to know/celebrate/serve/love) and i want to be celebrated too. maybe all my frustrations that are starting to come out again are purely selfish in nature. I feel like I don't really have any Real relationships with people at Whitworth. and I guess I have this expectation that Christians of all people should be ok with being real at any and all times. my friends at home are Real, aren't they? (maybe Realness and christianity aren't mutually inclusinve... dundun dun) maybe i'm idealizing them, and maybe i'm just pushing people away by my intentionality this year. maybe there just needs to be more trust built.
maybe i need to just suck it up and deal with it.
.
i want to write about Jesus like Annie does. i feel like all I ever write well about is myself, and i don't know how i feel about that. i don't think its necessarily healthy.