I am going to South Africa

really soon.
I'm slowly realizing how many people won't be here when I come back in September. Internationals and Seniors alike.
I'm slowly realizing that life will go on without me while I'm gone. A lot of things can happen in nine months. A lot of relationships could change substantially. I don't know who is going to make the effort to stay in touch. I don't know who is going to be a tangible support, or who just says they will now.
I'm slowly realizing that I'm gonna learn so much more than I thought. And its going to be so freaking amazing and different than anything else I've ever done. But I've adjusted to culture shock at Whitworth, and the little culture lessons I've learned from life in Fresno, and I feel like I can learn to live there too. and its gonna be great. one step at a time, and this is my step to take.
This is where I need to be.
This is where I'm going.

To all boys who may or may not be reading this:
if you say you're gonna call, you best call.
if you think you can drop in and out of someone else's life, you best get some good apologies to precede whatever it is that is so important.
if you start reminiscing, keep it to yourself.
if you want to start recommunicating, do something a little less public than a facebook wall
if you have a girlfriend, stay the hell away from me and all other exes. it just makes life easier for all involved.
if you're gonna sign your name at the end of a note, don't even think the word love.

thanks buddy.
you're always there for me....

I'm in a disconnect right now that I used to name and see in others and despise.
I love who God is. I love listening to people praise him. I love reading Isaiah. Psalms. the Gospels. Over and over again I page through them. And I take comfort that that is who God proclaims Herself to be. (Iveth has started doing that in our Bible Studies. I think its interesting how much that throws me off, so I'm doing it more, as an exploration of a pattern, to figure out what I think)
And yet. The whole personal relationship thing? The whole Spirit thing? it feels so far away.
So far.
And so I wonder what I do believe. and I wonder what the point is in appreciation.
One side of that is "inactive faith". But another way of saying it is "resting in who God says He is". Is that self-imposed distance? Or is that what faith is supposed to look like?

I dunno.
I cry out. I cry to him. And there are many beautiful people in my life who pull me forward and are pulled by He who has called them. And He has called me too. Its just been so long since I've heard his voice. So long since I've felt Him around me. This summer I saw Him move. I saw Her in my GAYG girls. I see the beauty in Her children. I see Her grace in others.

and of course my question is: what do I do?
and I'm pretty sure that actions aren't supposed to dictate it. But they sort of are?
"its about Be-ing, not Do-ing"
so is it out of control?
or doing things that make you more open to Be-ing.
or doing things that help you not focus on do-ing the right things or always do-ing more.

i want to walk in those rhythms of grace that he promises. the ones where the burden is light

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

The Message (MSG)

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Life is heavy for me now.
And it snowed this morning at Whitworth
And I still want to be anywhere but here.
And something happened last night with Paulo but I'm not even sure what he was saying under what he was saying. so we'll see. dunno. dunno. healthy? depends. good that its not serious from the start. good to start small light. could be good for both to work on be-ing okay without ______. you know? or could be disasterous like josh.
but i don't even know what happened really. i'm really out of it these days..... no good.

So I don't know if the hypothetical audience of this blog has picked up on this yet, but I struggle through a lot of race/culture paradigms. pretty consistently at Whitworth.
I wonder if part of the problem is that I don't like people that are different than me in their opinions. I don't know if I rebel against the feeling that they think I agree with them, or if I truly don't understand how they think that way. I think that makes me elitist. smile.
I don't see the appeal in Palin. Does that make me one sided? Have I just attached myself to Obama, and idolize him to the point of not seeing wrongs in him, and demonizing his opponent?
She didn't point out a single difference between mccain and bush's policy? she enumerated multiple times word-for-word portions of Bush policies. are you kidding me? really?
aand, apparently, she/her administration in alaska were responsible for killing that bill diverting funds from Sudan that she now really wants to pass. no source on that. just angry new york times readers.
i think bidens a smart smart man. it will be interesting (oh please please jesus) to see if he and obama do butt heads due to differing opinions like my new moody friends were talking about today. also. palin didn't answer the question about whether or not she would follow through on mccain's policies

And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people

Pretty sure in a debate you're supposed to listen to the moderator, and generally even answer her/his answers.

Patriotic is saying, government, you know, you're not always the solution. In fact, too often you're the problem so, government, lessen the tax burden and on our families and get out of the way and let the private sector and our families grow and thrive and prosper

and saying that holding to the Republican party line of deregulation and smaller government is not patriotism. I would hope that half the country doesn't hate America, or isn't patriotic, they just choose to affiliate with the Democratic party. you can't say that sarah palin, you can't say that.

PALIN: Yes. Well, as the nation's only Arctic state and being the governor of that state, Alaska feels and sees impacts of climate change more so than any other state. And we know that it's real.

I'm not one to attribute every man -- activity of man to the changes in the climate. There is something to be said also for man's activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet.

But there are real changes going on in our climate. And I don't want to argue about the causes. What I want to argue about is, how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts?

We have got to clean up this planet. We have got to encourage other nations also to come along with us with the impacts of climate change, what we can do about that.

As governor, I was the first governor to form a climate change sub-cabinet to start dealing with the impacts. We've got to reduce emissions. John McCain is right there with an "all of the above" approach to deal with climate change impacts.

We've got to become energy independent for that reason. Also as we rely more and more on other countries that don't care as much about the climate as we do, we're allowing them to produce and to emit and even pollute more than America would ever stand for.

Although China surpassed US for the first time this year in gross carbon pollution, our per capita rate is still 8.1 tons per year, around 4 times that of the Chinese per capita usage. also, India's is still at like 1.4 (out of a Foreign Affairs article, Setp/Oct 2008). Lastly, if we're pumping crude oil out of alaska, its still gonna produce the same carbon as oil from those terrorists who hate American freedom.

last palin frustration from the debate: she didn't seem to hear biden any of the multiple times that he stated explicitly that John Mccain voted the same as Obama on the funding for Iraq.

...
yeah
...

Indeed, the US incarceration rate has become the highest of any country in the world. In California alone, there are more people imprisoned than in any other country in the world except China.
The number of adults incarcerated in federal or state prisons or local jails in the United States skyrocketed during this period, quadrupling from just over 500,000 in 1980 to 2.2 million in 2005, according to the Department of Justice. Two-thirds of those are in federal or state prisons and one-third in local jails; the vast majority are young men between 18 and 39. An estimated 80 percent of them either violated drug or alcohol laws, were high at the time they committed their crimes, stole property to buy drugs, or had a history of drug and alcohol abuse and addiction — or some combination of those characteristics. Adding those on parole or probation to the incarcerated population, nearly 7 million adults are currently under correctional supervision, 3.2 percent of all US adults 18 or older.

In addressing the common idea that immigration brings crime:

The total incarceration rate for the native born is more than one percentage point higher in California than in the rest of the country (4.5 percent to 3.4 percent). In contrast, the incarceration rate for the foreign born in California was less than half the foreign-born rate in the rest of the country (0.4 percent to 1.0 percent).

So really, its the disenchanted second generation that you have to look out for....

http://www.migrationinformation.org/USFocus/display.cfm?ID=403

Where is my heart?

I was hoping to write a post that wasn't about me, that was about some deeper theological concept. Or perhaps a greater more brilliant hypothetical situation with intelligent analysis. Or I could talk about specific quotes, writing a stirring encouragement to people who fulfill this this and that criteria. I had a couple good conversations today. I talked to Maddie, was silly and hung out with Lindsey, and had dinner with Alicia. But even these come back to something I discovered in counselling yesterday.

I am really good at processing with my brain. With analyzing. With retelling stories, and attempting to find meaning and sort through them. I am good at finding patterns. I am really good at figuring out what (or deciding...) what I did wrong in a specific situation. I can find fault well. I can sit in counselling and describe well, who I am, where I have come from, I can narrate specific events from my past well, and even dig into the emotions attached and appropriately affix them to my face in the retelling. That doesn't mean that I address issues and problems. (or find the solutions either)

But somewhere along the way, the brain started covering for the heart almost completely. In a way, its a defense mechanism. I don't feel Known or Appreciated here, it must be because I haven't been vulnerable enough. If _______ knew my story, or knew my struggles, or understood where I was coming from, surely they'd understand better what I am trying to communicate to them now.

I do think there is tremendous potential for great healing through the power of story. Through sharing the hardest parts of life. I just think I have learned the patterns and have bypassed the actual openness/true vulnerability for blunt honesty. I can tell it like it is really well. That doesn't mean I can tell it like it feels.

In counseling, Pam asks me to use feeling words. I'm not very good at it, which surprised me. I'm really good at saying "I feel like..." but then I finish the sentence with "what I saw was inappropriate" or "this person is wrong". Not so much "I felt abandoned. I felt hurt. I felt angry." I use "I feel" to mean "My perception was this", which leaves open the possibility that I was wrong, I took things the wrong way, which seems to show that I don't place very much validity in my own experiences. I can easily take moral relativism to heart. (Lindsey and Dustin are arguing it for Ethics tomorrow, and think it is the most ridiculous thing to say, their whole defense is somewhat mocking). Is my story just as valid as the other person's? Are my feelings important? Or are they important just so they can be voiced, labeled and put away without any expectation of change in the other person's behavior. Is that one of the things that was so appealing about Stuart? "I do what I want", no apologies, but you should talk to me, you should share your feelings, you should spill your heart, what I do with it is my business? is that an accurate view of our communication?

I don't know what my feelings are. I can do nice, I can do giggly, I can do contemplative, I can be bothered, I can probably most easily access outrage, anger and bitterness, but primarily on behalf of others. I think sometimes I project myself onto the people I try to help. I got really worked up over Nait, and her story, recently. And then I realized that she's doing alright, she has come such a long way, and she is on her way to go even further.

And I? I have come a long ways too.

And I don't know where my heart is. I know a great many things about my Jesus. And I know that I am loved. But does my heart? and what does it need in order to start feeling more Real in the ordinary things? What does healing look like? Does this really go back to Stuart (like Pam says)? Or to my father before him? Or is is this just what growing up looks like, and I just think too much? Too much thinking, not enough actual living, actual experiences?

And if my God is as powerful as he is said to be, in the Word that is Life and Light and Truth, then how then do I behave? (We read Psalm 18 Monday night, and I was somewhat overwhelmed by how strong and overpowering the description was).

Dwelling. Growing. Attempting. Messing up. Questioning. Hoping. Looking elsewhere. Trying. Asking for help.
I am His. (and what does that mean?)

I think it would be okay if I went home. Today in church, Steve talked about our primary identity as the church as being servants, and what that meant. The self-sacrificial love that should be 24/7 and not just for "community service opportunities".
I started thinking about the dichotomy between the idea that "I am called to serve Here" and serving the people around you.
At Whitworth, if my identity (rooted in being God's beloved) is that of a servant, I would stay here for forever, trying to serve those around me. I would love Kaitie slavishly, and I don't know that anything would change about her. But I would pour and pour and pour, and maybe even commit spiritual suicide like i did last semester. I would not be in my "sweet spot", the place where my passions/desires/gifts meet the needs of the world. I would continue to be out of place and disjointed.
I could do that. And I would find fulfillment through the International Students who come and visit our house, through the refugees that I would work with twice a week, the kids I worked with on Sundays. And if I did that, I don't think I would be trying to gain status, or be trying to prove myself to the world. I wouldn't be trying to prove myself to God. I feel almost driven by something, but I don't think its selfishness. I think its Jesus.
In the words of Shusako Endo, "I cannot leave the church, Jesus has me in his grasp".
And I am not perfect. I am not pure, except for the purity of Christ which he claims to cover me. I am so bitter and I am broken and I am overcompensating by being strong, but my strength is beautiful too, I think. I think I am right much more often than I actually am. I get frustrated by people who I judge. But at my core, I am Christ's. I have Christ in me.
I could stay here. I could manage to get through this semester, piecing together what I need to stay sane and emotionally stable. I could do all those aforemention fulfilling things. I could get the credit, go to South Africa, but then what? Am I going to learn better to appreciate what is here? Or will I continue to feel a call outward? Will I continue to be discontent?
I don't know that I was ever a college girl. The whole fun, lighthearted, careless existence while learning all these things that will eventually be useful is a neat concept. And I like doing that sometimes. And I like doing that with people that I trust (and appreciate me, I'll be honest). But I want more. you know?
...
So I could go home.
And I could start going to State. Or maybe FPU, but I dunno that I want to jump from one small Christian school to another. And I could still apply to go to South Africa. And I could study in Port Elizabeth or Durban, instead of Stellenbosch. And I could volunteer with GAYG girls. And maybe help with AcaDec at Roosevelt. And I'd go to Kyle's graduation. And I might get a job, move out. Or stay home, do the dishes. I dunno what friends I'd make. I'd get around on the bus and my bike. If I went home, I'd have to find a way to be moving forward, and not just slide back into high school. And I'd need to stay on track to graduate.
...
impediments to leaving:

1. money already paid for semester.
2. would feel bad leaving the class I'm TAing.
3. wouldn't want to leave Iveth.
4. have made new friends from all over. I like them.
5. housing contract?

If I make it through the semester, then it will be time for Stellenbosch, then it will be time for travel, then I could stay there, but then I would eventually have to come back here. I don't know that I'll want to do that any more then than I do now. What is the likelihood of my motivation being so strong that I will be able to push through and get it all done?
...
lots of questions.
searching. praying. contemplating for answers.
...
I am God's Beloved.
No one else gets to define my identity but Him.