Lessons on Guilt

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how much I have. Not in a positive, "oh I'm so blessed, I should be thankful" way, but in a "I'm a horrible person, how dare I?" way. I am graduating from the private sheltered small liberal-arts Presbyterian Whitworth in three short weeks. Hopefully with a BA and a few minors :)

I will go home this summer. To fill myself with fresh fruit and sunshine, before I embark on my next great Leaving. This time I will leave for Toronto Canada. A metropolitan city of 4 million, of theatre, of diversity, of ethnic food, and of Romero House, where I will be working and living. working for a small stipend, and free room and board. working for justice, hope, redemption. Working for the families I have yet to meet. The mentors from whom I have yet to learn.

I will live in community. live in balance, i hope oh i hope.

. i forgot . first I will fly across the Atlantic to spend two short weeks visiting various friends in various European locations. i have been saving. i have saved. i am going to Europe, and refuse to be a tourist.

i will go to Europe. i will have been in Europe. i will have taken a small sample of a few small places. so that next time, I will Know. what I want: what i want to see, to do, to experience, to remember.

how much money to save for the Next Time.

With all these exciting possibilities, adventures, journeys ahead of me. I feel tormented sometimes by people who I grew up alongside who are in Fresno. who will return to Fresno and be happy (or not). Paulo says once you leave, you'll never come back the same. Opportunities will keep coming up, different doors will be opened. and I will wander further and further from my roots. and I will be independent (or selfish, depending on your perspective).

but on the other hand. I've always been like that.

"neeny do it self" i said as a toddler. neeny do it self. neeny go out into the world and do what she's gonna do all by her self. i left computech for rsa. i left roosevelt for whitworth. i'm leaving whitworth for Toronto. i don't do things the way most people do. sometimes its to my own detriment, but I like it this way.... apparently.

without sensing his/her own irony, someone told me once that "to whom much is given, much is expected".

.

I am ridiculously lucky to be able to imagine ways to go new places, and have the luxury of being able to live out whatever crazy idea I dream up and go for. no babies to tie me down. no parents dependent on my income. no boy that i would need to follow. and i trust my instincts (and this Jesus guy when I really think about it) enough to GO without a whole lot of fear or trepidation. i won't know anyone in Toronto, but I will meet so many amazing people, so why would that scare me? live alongside social justice heroes. and RealLife Heroes who manage to make it to Canada alive. live deeply. richly. in a temporary community. for a year. and maybe some months after that. and then go forward to my next exciting adventure. we'll see what it is once the time gets closer.