.JPG)
Its silly how at the bottom of every conversation in every relationship, we still want to know, do you like me? do you really like me?
Its even more ridiculous to realize when you stay up late talking, after being in a relationship for almost six months, that we still have that same question, only possibly more desperate.
* * *
He Knows me now, inconsistencies and ideals and all. And he still wants me.
I Know him, too. I still can't imagine someone I'd rather be with.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The evening of New Years day, as we were sitting on the couch, I asked what he was smiling about. He said he was just thinking about how amazing it was that some completely separate person was sitting next to him, choosing to be with him.
Its gonna be a good year. Its gonna be a growing year, and an adult year. We're gonna be bigger and better than ever at this time next year. We totally got this.
* * *
Talking to Thomas via Skype, he tells me... "You.. your life.. you... sound more, uh, Fresno now", and I took it as the highest compliment.
* * *
We had a happy New Year in Santa Barbara, complete with posole in the morning, courtesy of a beautiful welcoming second-family. A sister-in-law is pregnant with a girl, and she was talking about how she and her husband wanted a few boys before they had a girl, so they could look out for her. Their first son is GORGEOUS as a kid, so there's no doubt this baby girl will be too. Their solution will be to keep her hair short and in baggy clothes. Scott agrees with their methods. He says he would be okay with having a daughter if he knew she would be ugly, or knew she would be a lesbian. He doesn't want any daughter of his being looked at by men.
Its gonna be a good year. Its gonna be a growing year, and an adult year. We're gonna be bigger and better than ever at this time next year. We totally got this.
* * *
Talking to Thomas via Skype, he tells me... "You.. your life.. you... sound more, uh, Fresno now", and I took it as the highest compliment.
* * *
We had a happy New Year in Santa Barbara, complete with posole in the morning, courtesy of a beautiful welcoming second-family. A sister-in-law is pregnant with a girl, and she was talking about how she and her husband wanted a few boys before they had a girl, so they could look out for her. Their first son is GORGEOUS as a kid, so there's no doubt this baby girl will be too. Their solution will be to keep her hair short and in baggy clothes. Scott agrees with their methods. He says he would be okay with having a daughter if he knew she would be ugly, or knew she would be a lesbian. He doesn't want any daughter of his being looked at by men.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Living More Fresno
My supervisor turned to me today as I was driving her back to the office from a meeting offsite. "I'm aware that your contract is set to end in two weeks, and I want you to know we're working on it. I've emailed our ED and she hasn't responded, but we'll set a time to meet with the grant administrator sometime soon, so hopefully your funding can be continued."
I graciously responded, fully aware that everyone's grants are expiring right now, and we've only received a few new ones....
...
I knew all that. I really did. but somehow, the two week mark hadn't clicked yet.
...
At Thanksgiving, one of the only real things I heard was my uncle say his business wasn't great, but it was okay, he hadn't had to lay any one off recently.
...
Sometimes I think the biggest reason I came back to Fresno was to meet this boy. He's the most stable thing going on in my life right now. Not sure if that's the healthiest place to be in, but I'm happy. He's got a good job, works full time doing computer programming stuff. We're going to his company Christmas party in a week... at Ruth's Chris Steak House. We drive around in his black truck, run errands and visit his parents on the weekend (I bought myself a car finally, too!). He holds me and the world falls into place.
...
We have a conversation about slowing things down and then walk into a jewelry store that's going out of business. Don't worry y'all, I freaked out and ranted about terrible working practices and blood diamonds and corruption in South Africa.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
On Beginning to see what I'm here to learn
"You know Christine, graduating high school is going to be the biggest thing I will have done in my whole life" she told me suddenly. I was suddenly ashamed of all my well-meant earlier admonitions to think bigger than city college. She's right, in a small way, but her brains are capable of doing anything in the world.
This girl who used to talk about leaving Fresno for college has realized that she is responsible for her family. What's more, she has realized that her family is her priority; despite outside influences pulling one way or the other. They would let her leave, and they would be proud of her successes. She knows it. She is choosing to stay. I am humbled by her strength, even as a confused shy high school senior. And I am going to scream so loudly at her graduation ceremony this May.
* * * * *
A girl had just come in to ask for an internship, and eventually mentioned that we knew her sister. As she was leaving my coworker says, "that's my sister-in-law. She married my wife's brother"
* * * * *
In one of my 1-1 listening sessions, a girl told me she thought Fresno was getting better, because she remembered the violence growing up, and having to go to funerals. There's not a funeral for a young person every weekend any more. When I asked what she wanted Fresno to be like (another city, specific area of town, or something from tv/movies), she thought about it and said a local private university, because its quiet and peaceful and the grass is actually green there.
* * * * *
Surrounded by people coming from much more communal-minded families (cultures), I am filled with thankfulness that they accept and love me, even as I am selfish and individualistic. I am learning to live well with my mother, and appreciating my incredible greater family.
There's this boy in my life, (we're "dating exclusively", which I think means boyfriend/girlfriend in high school lingo). His parents have a total of 16 siblings, giving him over a hundred cousins. I'm impressed.(i have a hard time focusing when I start thinking about him... guess this is the end of my post)
This girl who used to talk about leaving Fresno for college has realized that she is responsible for her family. What's more, she has realized that her family is her priority; despite outside influences pulling one way or the other. They would let her leave, and they would be proud of her successes. She knows it. She is choosing to stay. I am humbled by her strength, even as a confused shy high school senior. And I am going to scream so loudly at her graduation ceremony this May.
* * * * *
A girl had just come in to ask for an internship, and eventually mentioned that we knew her sister. As she was leaving my coworker says, "that's my sister-in-law. She married my wife's brother"
* * * * *
In one of my 1-1 listening sessions, a girl told me she thought Fresno was getting better, because she remembered the violence growing up, and having to go to funerals. There's not a funeral for a young person every weekend any more. When I asked what she wanted Fresno to be like (another city, specific area of town, or something from tv/movies), she thought about it and said a local private university, because its quiet and peaceful and the grass is actually green there.
* * * * *
Surrounded by people coming from much more communal-minded families (cultures), I am filled with thankfulness that they accept and love me, even as I am selfish and individualistic. I am learning to live well with my mother, and appreciating my incredible greater family.
There's this boy in my life, (we're "dating exclusively", which I think means boyfriend/girlfriend in high school lingo). His parents have a total of 16 siblings, giving him over a hundred cousins. I'm impressed.(i have a hard time focusing when I start thinking about him... guess this is the end of my post)
Monday, August 15, 2011
On Being in Fresno again
I've started half a dozen blogs since returning Home (in all senses of that word). The words haven't come out right, yet. I've decided to not be so ambitious as to fully explain my current feelings or thoughts, but instead share some ideas I've been pondering.
A friend recently read Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain, which I read last summer. What I took out of it, was from a simple conversation that Merton has with a friend before even entering a religious order. How does one become a saint? by wanting to become one.
"ecumenicism at its best, means you walk away more deeply connected to your own tradition of faith" -Mary Jo (who also said the faith of Muslims she lived with showed her what faith really could be)
"Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as a sorrow or as a joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity" Henry Nouwen, Bread for the Journey
Everything so far has added up to being Ready for This, Here Right Now, and somehow what is to come is going to take the grand sum of everything I will have learned up to then.
that I could learn Spanish, and be fluent. (related- that I know more than I give myself credit for. apparently my accent is impeccable, according to an older man with questionable intentions)
that I want to find a family to live with in the southern half of town. preferably Spanish speaking, but maybe Lao.
I already have more education that 3/4ths of the those older than 25 in this county.
There are plenty of other educated intelligent boomerangers who have returned and are actively making a difference in this town (especially with youth).
I am attracted to people who go All Out towards some desire/ideal. preferably altruistic. (related- apparently my huge list of qualifications for ABoyInLife aren't that impossible, they are just intensely localized)
I am happy here. I feel lucky (/blessed) to be here. I feel really really lucky to be working here.
A friend recently read Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain, which I read last summer. What I took out of it, was from a simple conversation that Merton has with a friend before even entering a religious order. How does one become a saint? by wanting to become one.
"ecumenicism at its best, means you walk away more deeply connected to your own tradition of faith" -Mary Jo (who also said the faith of Muslims she lived with showed her what faith really could be)
"Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as a sorrow or as a joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity" Henry Nouwen, Bread for the Journey
Everything so far has added up to being Ready for This, Here Right Now, and somehow what is to come is going to take the grand sum of everything I will have learned up to then.
that I could learn Spanish, and be fluent. (related- that I know more than I give myself credit for. apparently my accent is impeccable, according to an older man with questionable intentions)
that I want to find a family to live with in the southern half of town. preferably Spanish speaking, but maybe Lao.
I already have more education that 3/4ths of the those older than 25 in this county.
There are plenty of other educated intelligent boomerangers who have returned and are actively making a difference in this town (especially with youth).
I am attracted to people who go All Out towards some desire/ideal. preferably altruistic. (related- apparently my huge list of qualifications for ABoyInLife aren't that impossible, they are just intensely localized)
I am happy here. I feel lucky (/blessed) to be here. I feel really really lucky to be working here.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
On Being a Companion
In the first few weeks past orientation, I fielded a phone call from a scared young man. He wanted to ask about specific line-by-line fields in his Personal Information Form (PIF). He had so many questions, I invited him to come into the office. We worked hard, and filled out the 16 page document. I heard his story, and helped him apply for social assistance, legal aid, work permit, etc. I also connected him to a legal lady who works part time here. Some things he qualified for, and others he didn't.
Throughout the year, he checked in with me. I helped with various things. He found support groups, doctors, a counselor, a church (all on his own).
When my leg was broken, he gave me a sweet, and entirely appropriate, card with some candy.
He received a notice for scheduling, and began to panic a bit. He didn't qualify for legal aid, and no lawyers wanted to touch his case. Our legal lady began to talk to him about other options, because we knew, he didn't fit the definition of a refugee or protected person. He panicked some more. He disappeared for a while.
He found some other options for himself, and he found a lawyer.
The day before the hearing, I asked if he still wanted me to come to the hearing. He said he didn't want me to see him crying. that it would make him more nervous. etc. etc. So I didn't go.
Yesterday he had his hearing. He was summarily denied.
Today he called me. He sounded so relieved that it was all over. It was the least stressed and least panicked that he's been all year. He sounded normal. He's evaluating his options, but will probably return to his home country, work a bit, and then attempt to come back to Canada as a student or a worker.
And so I'm reminded what accompaniment is about: walking with people, even if its not the romanticized ideal "refugee". I walked with him this year, through the entire refugee process. People have the right to be heard. He was heard. His claim was denied, the legally appropriate response (dare I judge?).
Everyone has the right to make a refugee claim, to be heard by a refugee protection officer, and to present evidence proving their claims. Laws, human rights, international conventions, they apply equally to likable and unlikable people. to nice people and mean ones, anxious or angry, tall or short, OCD or scattered, attractive or ugly, old or young, fat or funny. Everyone has the right to be heard. At RH, we try to walk with the people who come to us, as faithfully as we can, throughout the Canadian process. I am transformed by the strength, dignity, and sheer willpower of those who I have companioned (for which I am so thankful).
Throughout the year, he checked in with me. I helped with various things. He found support groups, doctors, a counselor, a church (all on his own).
When my leg was broken, he gave me a sweet, and entirely appropriate, card with some candy.
He received a notice for scheduling, and began to panic a bit. He didn't qualify for legal aid, and no lawyers wanted to touch his case. Our legal lady began to talk to him about other options, because we knew, he didn't fit the definition of a refugee or protected person. He panicked some more. He disappeared for a while.
He found some other options for himself, and he found a lawyer.
The day before the hearing, I asked if he still wanted me to come to the hearing. He said he didn't want me to see him crying. that it would make him more nervous. etc. etc. So I didn't go.
Yesterday he had his hearing. He was summarily denied.
Today he called me. He sounded so relieved that it was all over. It was the least stressed and least panicked that he's been all year. He sounded normal. He's evaluating his options, but will probably return to his home country, work a bit, and then attempt to come back to Canada as a student or a worker.
And so I'm reminded what accompaniment is about: walking with people, even if its not the romanticized ideal "refugee". I walked with him this year, through the entire refugee process. People have the right to be heard. He was heard. His claim was denied, the legally appropriate response (dare I judge?).
Everyone has the right to make a refugee claim, to be heard by a refugee protection officer, and to present evidence proving their claims. Laws, human rights, international conventions, they apply equally to likable and unlikable people. to nice people and mean ones, anxious or angry, tall or short, OCD or scattered, attractive or ugly, old or young, fat or funny. Everyone has the right to be heard. At RH, we try to walk with the people who come to us, as faithfully as we can, throughout the Canadian process. I am transformed by the strength, dignity, and sheer willpower of those who I have companioned (for which I am so thankful).
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
My Story Tree is Drooping
either from the insane humidity today, or the weight of so many stories.
+ + +
The boy who lives downstairs is singing "I know a song that is on anybody's words, anybody's words, anybody's words". I'm not sure if I want to correct him so he sings "that gets on everybody's nerves" or not.
His baby sister has the most wonderful smile. I babysat her today while she slept.
Their middle sister has made only happy noises today, as far back as I can remember. And she was happy this morning waiting for the bus
+ + +
the ladies who live underneath his family will miss me when I'm gone. They tell me my skin is like velvet.
Last night, we couldn't find a skin color in our new xbox360 avatar selections that matched one of them. she was laughing, and yelling, Christine! find it! where is my color?!. Its not here! and we couldn't find it anywhere. nothing lighter than dark dark brownish black that was lighter than cinnamon.
...
This whole week whenever I've come through the front door, she has stopped me, demanded I sit down and tell her about my day. It feels good.
...
Today, we talked about the interns salaries.
"that boy, he is working overtime?" -H
"yeah... except we don't get paid overtime, so really he's just working extra" -me
"ey! how much do you get paid? you work for free?" -H
"well. we get enough for rent. and then $115 for food. and then $200 just for us"
"it is not bad" - L simultaneously with H saying "it is so bad!
"no. its not a lot of money, but we have lots of fun anyways" -me
"but, you know. That thing you do. According to the Bible, if you do the volunteering, especially with the refugees and the very poor ones, you will be blessed more than the one who works for money. You will have very many blessings because of your work this year.
Even us, we volunteer too. It is good. Me? I volunteer for two hours a week, and then I am fed up. You? you work every day all year, even weekends sometimes.
you have learned so much this year. You talk to me, it is like you are namibian too. you talk to Z, it is like you are from her country.... and we learn too.
If you had just stayed in California, stayed with your mom, you would not have learned anything. Your mind would be closed. If you travel, if you help people, God will open your mind.
You know, life is not easy, working with the people.
But you guys, you come here to be with us for a full year. It is so much. It is amazing."
+ + +
The lady that lives below her has her hearing date, and did so beautifully in an interview today that she's starting work on Friday. Her daughter and I are going swimming this week. I'm excited.
+ + +
Today I turned over all my files to our director. Now I need to slowly clean out my desk and plan two last things. It feels good (among other emotions)
+ + +
The boy who lives downstairs is singing "I know a song that is on anybody's words, anybody's words, anybody's words". I'm not sure if I want to correct him so he sings "that gets on everybody's nerves" or not.
His baby sister has the most wonderful smile. I babysat her today while she slept.
Their middle sister has made only happy noises today, as far back as I can remember. And she was happy this morning waiting for the bus
+ + +
the ladies who live underneath his family will miss me when I'm gone. They tell me my skin is like velvet.
Last night, we couldn't find a skin color in our new xbox360 avatar selections that matched one of them. she was laughing, and yelling, Christine! find it! where is my color?!. Its not here! and we couldn't find it anywhere. nothing lighter than dark dark brownish black that was lighter than cinnamon.
...
This whole week whenever I've come through the front door, she has stopped me, demanded I sit down and tell her about my day. It feels good.
...
Today, we talked about the interns salaries.
"that boy, he is working overtime?" -H
"yeah... except we don't get paid overtime, so really he's just working extra" -me
"ey! how much do you get paid? you work for free?" -H
"well. we get enough for rent. and then $115 for food. and then $200 just for us"
"it is not bad" - L simultaneously with H saying "it is so bad!
"no. its not a lot of money, but we have lots of fun anyways" -me
"but, you know. That thing you do. According to the Bible, if you do the volunteering, especially with the refugees and the very poor ones, you will be blessed more than the one who works for money. You will have very many blessings because of your work this year.
Even us, we volunteer too. It is good. Me? I volunteer for two hours a week, and then I am fed up. You? you work every day all year, even weekends sometimes.
you have learned so much this year. You talk to me, it is like you are namibian too. you talk to Z, it is like you are from her country.... and we learn too.
If you had just stayed in California, stayed with your mom, you would not have learned anything. Your mind would be closed. If you travel, if you help people, God will open your mind.
You know, life is not easy, working with the people.
But you guys, you come here to be with us for a full year. It is so much. It is amazing."
+ + +
The lady that lives below her has her hearing date, and did so beautifully in an interview today that she's starting work on Friday. Her daughter and I are going swimming this week. I'm excited.
+ + +
Today I turned over all my files to our director. Now I need to slowly clean out my desk and plan two last things. It feels good (among other emotions)
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